Angel In Disguise

2011-12-24T23:31:00.002-05:00

Merry Christmas in heaven my angel. I will be thinking of you all day!! Wish you were spending it with us.

Dreams

2011-12-05T13:03:00.000-05:00

Thought of her alot last night...Along with some evil bad dreams. Made me realize that I am one tough woman but I could not ever deal with it again. Had a dream that someone broke into my house and they took Bella......I fell apart. Told the cops that if they didnt find her I would not be ok. I couldn't do it again!!! I love my children more then life itself. I miss Hailey more then anything. I am usually fine but for some reason...I felt last night and that hurt and that pain that came back I have not felt in a long time. Time does help heal but when you feel that initial pain after so much time has passed you forget how much it hurt and can't help but to look back and wonder how did I get through that?? I will never forget how much love and support I had and am so thankful for those of you who were there for us. Without you guys I would not have been able to do it. I took a statement or simple words from each individual person and used them...those words, thoughts and theories is what pulled me through and put me here today with a smile on my face. Thank You and it is never forgotten and never will be. Love you all!!!! xoxo

2011-08-19T13:40:00.000-04:00

Sometimes Im allowed to sit and feel sorry for myself. Sometimes I want to sit and cry. Sometimes I like to sit and watch the saddest movies to cry and think of her. Why? I dont know why nor can I even begin to try and explain it. But I have my days and I like my days. Those are the days where I truly feel she is at my side pulling at the strings of my heart.

Miss her and wonder daily who she would be today??

Happy 7th Birthday my angel girl

2011-04-12T13:52:00.000-04:00

Wow...7...where did the time go?? Would it have gone this fast if she was here?? So many questions all still to go unanswered. The time has allowed me to accept those unanswered questions and know in my heart I will oneday (not soon :O) ) be reunited with her. I am ok, I have so many amazing people around me who have pulled and pull me through, brought me to a place where I can come on here and say I am ok and that I am not angry anymore. There are times when I hurt but for the most part look at me I am happy and thats what she wants for me and everyone that surrounded her. I believe it was her who has made so many amazing and wonderful things happen for me and everyone she touched.

Happy 7th Birthday my little Hailey Bug!! There isnt a day where you arent thought of, talked about or missed. I love you baby girl!!!

Tis the season to be..........

2010-12-06T14:58:00.000-05:00

Its just amazingly crazy how this month and next month just start to swallow me before I know it. I was fine and then tis the season approaches and I am smacked with so much emotion and stress...anger still too???? There are days I could still sit and lean up against a wall to cry for hours then there are others where I hold my head high and say I am proud of who I am and what everything has made me today.

I love her and I will forever miss her....every year every day!!

My girl.....

2010-10-28T15:00:00.000-04:00

From the outside looking in you can never understand

and from the inside looking out you can never explain.

2010-07-29T11:34:00.000-04:00

In three words I can sum up

everything I've learned about life;

It goes on.

~Robert Frost

Never forget her.....

2010-06-25T09:07:00.000-04:00

If you mention my child's name

I may cry.

But if you don't mention it,

you will break my heart

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY ANGEL GIRL

2010-04-12T09:21:00.000-04:00

HARD TO BELIEVE SHE WOULD BE 6 YEARS OLD TODAY. SHE LEFT THIS WORLD AT 21 MONTHS OLD..IT FEELS LIKE YESTERDAY......WHERE DOES THE TIME GO? TOME MAY FLY BUT HER MEMORIES WILL FOREVER PREVAIL. THERE ISNT A DAY THAT GOES BY WHERE WE DONT THINK OF HER. WHETHER BELLA COMES IN AND ASKS ABOUT HER OR JUST SOMETHING HAPPENS TO TRIGGER THAT BEAUTIFUL MEMORY.

THESE DAYS COME SUCH AS 1/16 OR 4/12 AND TODAY I AM OKAY. I KNOW I GOT THROUGH IT AND GOT MY SON THROUGH IT. WE CAN SMILE WHEN WE SAY HER NAME AND TALK ABOUT HER WITH OUT HAVING TO CRY. SHE BRIGHTENED OUR WORLDS AND THOUGH SHE WAS TAKEN AWAY FROM US THOSE THOUGHTS, THOSE MEMORIES CAN NEVER BE ERASED. LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL, LIFE IS PRECIOUS.....DONT TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT BECAUSE YOU JUST DON'T KNOW WHEN IT CAN BE TAKEN FROM YOU WITH A BLINK OF AN EYE.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANGEL GIRL...WE LOVE AND MISS YOU!!! XOXO

I woke up today.............

2010-01-14T10:20:00.000-05:00

I woke up today and felt empty, I woke up today and felt angry.......I figured I was angry because I had to leave the house upside down....I found myself blaming others for my stress, my tension...........
I got to work today and still felt angry...........couldnt figure out why am I so angry???

I just realized......someone wants me to feel today. Someone wants me to feel the pain and anger that I haven't felt in quite some time......its okay, sometimes I like this feeling. It makes me realize I still hurt from losing her and I didnt forget, maybe moved on temporarily to get on with life....but this emotion will forever be with me as well my little angel girl. I get to feel today and knowing that feels good.

January

2010-01-06T11:17:00.000-05:00

This is a tough yet interesting month for me. 4 Years she has been gone from my world and yet all year long I think I am okay until this month rolls around..........Someone near and dear to me who has also left this world now, but before she left said something to me and now I understand what she meant. She too lost her little girl, and when the day that her child passed came she would sit home with something inside of her that she couldnt quite place or describe the feeling....but for the whole day she wouldnt move from the couch and by the days end she would actually feel it leave, the feeling would begin to leave and she knew she would yet again be okay for the rest of the year. For quite sometime now I have felt okay about everything yet a little outside the box so to speak. I would think to myself about how I don't go to the cemetary anymore...or how little now I ask or pray to her etc.......I think I am scared, I think I am scared that I have allowed myself to forget things of her....not that I forgot about her or will ever forget her, but it scares me that I can't remember her laugh or her face.....I don't even really remember her facial expression the night she left me in my arms.........this bothers me!!! Why can't I remember??? Is it normal to not remember,is it your bodies way of protecting you?? I dont have the answers but I can tell you it hurts.

There isn't a day where I don't think of her or wonder who she would be today or what life would be like with her. These are too answers I will never have. And I know what I went through is something no one can describe but I also know that part of me feels different from most of the world because of this....I feel like I have overcome something and I have seen life as many others have never......Part of me feels honored, honored that God chose me to carry his angel and angel that he needed for an unknown reason but one I am sure will be explained to me at a much hopefully much much later time. I feel it has made me a different yet better person. I am more open minded, I am more appreciative, I am more insightful....I can look at my two kids now and say there isn't a smile on their face that I didnt take notice too....or a phrase that was just completely hysterical that I will ever allow myself to forget. Maybe losing her was someones way of giving me a wake up call...and I am today grateful that it worked and I woke up and realized what is so important in life....My children, family and friends!!! Love all of you and thank you everyday for bringing me through this and continue to everyday!!

2010-01-01T00:42:00.002-05:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR BABY GIRL!!!

ANOTHER HOLIDAY WITH OUT YOU........

2009-11-30T13:16:00.002-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving to my baby angel in heaven!! The day certainly did not pass with out a conversation nor a thought with out her!! Miss her tremendously and though I didn't go down to the cemetary she was on my mind all day!!

Hope you had a great Thanksgiving in heaven Hailey, we certainly missed you here!! Love you baby girl!! Muah!!

2009-11-11T11:53:00.003-05:00

"Anyone can make a baby, it takes someone very special to make an angel."

My Early Angel

2009-09-21T16:46:00.002-04:00

An early angel is what you were

Why he used me to take you there

I only hope you see me stare

through the glare of despair

I gave you life,

yet couldn't spare

you of the pain you had to bare

You made me laugh,

you made me care,

you may have left this world unfair

My only wish is to see you there

By Amanda Wilkinson

My baby girl..........

2009-09-21T09:49:00.004-04:00

I thought about her so much this weekend......Not sure why but I found this weekend to be difficult. Could it be the move and yet again not having her come with me? Or maybe the fact of I am moving again and I have my Bella and feel guilty for that. I am so happy that I am moving and taking "my little girl" with me this time so maybe there is guilt for that??
Bella watched Haileys DVD this weekend. She liked watching it, not just because there was another baby that looked like she, but also because there were other familiar faces. I must tell you though when the DVD ended and she looked at me and asked me for more....I had to tell her there was no more...that was hard!! They are both amazing little girls, two little girls and 1 little boy who have all drastically changed who I am and who I will be in life.
I find it amazing how people can come into your life for a brief period of time and change everything. Right down the line from the person you are and the paths that you will take in life. People just mold us into new people everyday......... You can have your trust stolen from you to finding someone who can give it all right back to you.
I miss her I miss her everyday. Maybe I don't get to the cemetary as much as others. But I don't feel I need to get down there to talk to her. I actually feel her more when I pop her DVD on or when the wind blows the leaves. Sitting at the cemetary only shows me that she is gone and thats where we laid her but shes not there. She is everywhere....I don't need to look at a stone and talk to my daughter, I think of her and talk to her in my head and I know, she hears me and knows the pain I feel for losing her. I come here and I vent and I know she sees what I am going to writing before I even put it on here.

Mother, please don’t mourn for me;
I’m still here, though you don’t see.
I’m right by your side each night and day
And within your heart I long to stay.

My body is gone but I’m always near
I’m everything you feel, see or hear.
My spirit is free, but I’ll never depart
As long as you keep me alive in your heart.

I’ll never wander out of your sight.
I’m the brightest stat on a summer night.
I’ll never be beyond your reach.
I’m the warm, moist sand when you’re at the beach.

I’m the colorful leaves when fall comes around
And the pure, white snow that blankets the ground.
I’m the beautiful flowers of which you are so fond.
The clear, cool water in a quiet pond.

I’m the first bright blossom you’ll see in the spring;
The first warm raindrop that April will bring.
I’m the first ray of light when the sun starts to shine,
And you’ll see that the face in the moon is mine.

When you start thinking there’s no one to love you,
You can talk to me through the Lord above you.
I’ll whisper my answer through the leaves on the trees,
And you’ll feel my presence in the soft summer breeze.

I’m the hot, salty tears that flow when you weep
And the beautiful dreams that come while you sleep.
I’m the smile you see on a baby’s face.
Just look for me, Mommy, I’m everyplace!

Can you tell their sisters!! ;)

2009-07-06T11:07:00.003-04:00

My little Bella turned 21 months this past Friday, which was the age that I lost my Hailey bug at. I am hoping that once we get past 21 months I will be not so lunaticish!! LOL!

Time marches and I will never forget Hailey....though I have to say having Isabella is sometimes also still a piece of her sister.....There are times where I can see certain Hailey charateristics.

Having Bella at the beach this weekend brought back so many good memories but also made so many good new ones!! She loved the beach, she loved her boat rides with pop pop as did Hailey. I think Hailey was with them on their boat rides this weekend. I still get a lump in my throat when I come on here to type...maybe thats why I do it. Maybe its my time where I want to feel that pain for her again. I want her to know that even though I go through lifes daily activities she is still apart of "us" and I still hurt not having her here. I go back and think about that night that I lost her and still wonder if I could have done more?? Did I not try hard enough??Was there too much panic in me?? I will never know... but I do hope she knows how loved and missed she will always be. How she changed the person I am today.

2009-06-08T21:37:00.002-04:00

SO SUMMER IS HERE AND I HAVE TO SAY GOING TO THE BEACH WITH BELLA......REALLY BRINGS BACK SOME MEMORIES OF HAILEY.....WE CAN START WITH THE PINK NIKE SANDALS..BUT ITS ALMOST LIKE I PURPOSELY DO IT. I WANT THERE TO BE ALL THESE FLUTTERING MEMORIES EVERYDAY OF HER. BUT I LIKE IT...I LIKE THAT I CAN MAKE HER STILL EXIST IN MY OWN WAY,WHEN NO EVEN KNOWS WHEN I AM DOING IT. I NEVER WANT NOR WANTED ANYONE TO FEEL SORRY FOR ME NOR HAVE TO FEEL MY PAIN.....I JUST WANT NO ONE TO EVER FORGET ABOUT HER OR BE AFRAID TO SPEAK OF HER. SHE IS SPOKEN OF DAILY IN MY HOUSE....HA...BELLA KNOWS HER NAME AND HOW TO POINT HER OUT ALREADY AND SHE WILL KNOW HER WITH OUT TRULY KNOWING HER, IF THAT MAKES ANY SENSE.
SOMETIMES I GET ON HERE AND I WANT TO WRITE BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO WRITE...OTHER THEN TO JUST LET HER KNOW I WAS THINKING OF HER.
I WAS SAYING TO PAUL THE OTHER NIGHT HOW I JUST CANNOT WAIT UNTIL BELLA GETS PASSED BEING 21 MONTHS OLD....ITS ALMOST LIKE THIS WEIGHT I THINK WILL BE LIFTED OFF MY CHEST. SHE WAS SICK NOT TOO LONG AGO AND SHE WAS RUNNING A FEVER AND THEN STILL WHEN SHE WAS DONE RUNNING THE FEVER A FEW NIGHTS AFTER SHE WOULD WAKE UP WITH THIS BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND SOAKING WET IN SWEAT.....SHE WOULD SLEEP IN BED WITH ME FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT. I WOULD JUST LAY THERE ALL NIGHT RUBBING HER HEAD AND WATCHING HER SLEEP...EYES FILLING UP WITH TEARS...HOPING SHE WAS GOING TO BE OKAY. MY MIND PLAYS TRICKS ON ME I GUESS I AM NOT AS STRONG AS ONE WOULD THINK BECAUSE I AM SCARED TO DEATH DAILY WITH BELLA...WHETHER IT BE HER CHOKING OR FALLING..ETC...I THINK I JUST NEED HER TO TURN 21 MONTHS OLD!! LOL!!! LETS HOPE THAT DOES THE TRICK OR I AM GOING TO BE GREY AT A VERY EARLY AGE WITH THESE KIDS!! AS MANY NEGATIVES CAME FROM LOSING HER I STILL TO THIS DAY GO BACK TO THAT ONE POSITIVE LESSON I WAS TAUGHT AND I KNOW I SAY IT EVERY TIME.....LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST AND DON'T MISS A BEAT BECAUSE ONCE ITS GONE ITS GONE.......
I MISS HER AND I THINK OF HER EVERYDAY. I JUST HOPE SHE KNOWS. I HOPE I SHOWED HER ENOUGH WHEN SHE WAS HERE THAT WHEN SHE LEFT SHE LEFT KNOWING HOW LOVED SHE WAS. I FIGHT TEARS AS I SIT HERE AND TYPE THESE STILL TO THIS DAY. SO YEAH I GUESS TIME MAKES IT EASIER TO DEAL WITH BUT IT CERTAINLY DOES NOT HEAL. THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS FROM THE NIGHT SHE PASSED THAT I CAN NO LONGER REMEMBER...IS THAT ME BLOCKING THEM OUT OR JUST YOUR BRAIN MAKING YOU FORGET??
I LOOK AT PICTURES AND WONDER WHERE SHE WOULD BE RIGHT NOW, WHAT SHE WOULD LOOK LIKE,HOW HER VOICE WOULD SOUND,HOW WOULD SHE WALK,WHO WOULD SHE HAVE FOR HER FIRST TEACHER...THINGS THAT YOU WOULD NORMALLY NOT EVEN THINK TWICE ABOUT.......

GUESS ITS JUST ONE OF THOSE NIGHTS---
I LOVE YOU HAILEY BUG...ALWAYS THINKIN OF YOU!!!

5!!!!

2009-04-14T11:19:00.004-04:00

So I didn't get on here for her Birthday, her 5th birthday 4/12/09 however I did go down and see you along with many others!! :) She had lots of Birthday presents down by her, thank you to everyone who thought of my Bug on Easter/her Birthday!!

Not a day goes by where I don't think of her or talk to her for that matter however I do have to admit...people said that as time went by it wouldn't hurt so much. Its not that I hurt less because I miss her daily and have to wonder every year on her birthday, what she would be doing, what Kind of birthday party would she have wanted and my biggest wonder....what would she look like??? But time has brought me to a better place. Time has brought me less anger and I don't search for the unanswered anymore. My questions will oneday be answered and I am certainly not looking for them to come any sooner then when they are supposed to. She is gone but forever will be in our hearts.

I am also thankful for the person she made me today. Hailey brought me to a place in life where I have learned you can't sweat the small stuff.....Just kind of roll through it and eventually it will all work out. Don't get me wronf I stress and I tense up but for the most part I have learned lifes greatest lesson.....Your only here once....live it, love it and be happy!!

Happy Birthday my hailey bug!!!!

2009-04-06T09:35:00.003-04:00

You don't heal from the loss of a loved one because time passes; You heal because of what you do with the time.

Why God Takes Children

2009-03-17T11:52:00.002-04:00

When God calls little childrenTo dwell with Him above,

We mortals sometimes questionThe wisdom of His love.

For no heartache compares with,The death of one small child,

Who does so much to make our world,Seem so wonderful and mild.

Perhaps God tires of callingThe aged to His fold,So He picks a rosebudBefore it can grow old.

God knows how much we need them,

And so He takes but few,

To make the land of heavenMore beautiful to view.

Believing this is difficult

Still somehow we must try,

The saddest word mankindknows will always be Good-by.

So when a little child departs,

We who are left behind

Must realize God loves children,Angels are hard to find.

2009-02-25T13:20:00.002-05:00

We quickly find there are no words to describe the experience of losing a child. For those who have not lost a child, no explanation will do. For those who have, no explanation is necessary.

I hate January..................

2009-01-13T11:50:00.003-05:00

Whelp that time is arriving again.....third year that we are with out my little Bug!! Theres not a day that goes by where I don't think of her or wonder what she would be like today. I wonder how she would look, her personality etc.....all these wonders and answers I will never have. Sad. However when I think of the 21 months that I did have with her, I can smile and say I was blessed to have such a beautiful child in my life for such a short period of time yet learn a life time full of lessons . She made me who I am today, she took the "Amanda" that I once was and made her disappear........I am now who I am....... because of that 21 month old baby that I brought and watched come into this world, I watched her grow, I watched her sick yet never once let it get her down, almost like she knew she wasn't here forever, then I watched her leave this world so quick within a blink of an eye she was gone in my arms. She went to the hospital yet I knew she was gone and there was nothing anyone could do to change that. I still to this day watch her, I watch her make positive things happen to those who talk to her, I watch her look over her brother and sister, I watch her, I know she is still with us all in her own little way. I talk to her daily, I pray to her when I need her, she may be gone but forever she will be with us in so many special ways.

Sunday

2008-12-10T12:01:00.003-05:00

Went down to put her tree and grave blanket on Sunday. It was hard. Been doing so good lately that I guess I didn't want to go back down there to relive everything and be reminded of the hurt and frustration that still lives within. I guess now knowing that nothing further can be done to those who let her fall through the cracks, I kind of tried to gain closure. Not that not going down to see her would give me closure but why open new wounds when I was doing so good? Haven't had any crying episodes out of nowhere etc....... I got very cranky down there because I knew deep inside I wasn't allowing myself to feel. Don't feel the need to explain myself to anyone other then her, feeling guilty for being so cranky down there. Its Christmas and not that I should look forward to going there but I should make the best of it and I didn't. I am sure she knows I am sorry and the guilt that I have for being the way I was on Sunday. Sorry Bug!!! Maybe part of me is trying to forget this part of my life, don't get me wrong will never forget her but I also know that if I hold on I will never be able to get past and move forward. I still talk and think about her daily and will for the rest of my life, however there was a time where I went down there weekly almost daily. I feel that I am in a spot now where I can deal with it. I can say this happend and I can't change it. Holding a doctor responsiable isn't going to happen nor is it the fair thing to do? This was maybe supposed to happen for whatever reason.............It happend and I have gotten to a point in life where I can kind of understand it. Just want to be okay and don't want to feel the pain anymore, so I guess you can say I am avoiding it.

2008-12-01T16:08:00.003-05:00

SO I FIGURE BETTER LATE THEN NEVER.......SORRY BABY BUT THE COMPUTER AT HOME IS ALL MESSED UP!! THANKS TO LITTLE ALEX!! HAPPY THANKSGIVING BUG!! YOU WERE IN MY THOUGHTS AS ALWAYS ALL DAY.

ALEX CAME DOWN STAIRS LAST NIGHT PRETTY LATE IN TEARS EXPLAINING HOW HE MISSED HER. MADE ME CRY AS WELL. THE HOLIDAYS KICK SO MUCH UP. DON'T KNOW IF ITS THE HOLIDAYS THEMSELVES OR IF ITS THE FACT THAT WE KNOW WHATS AROUND THE CORNER AFTER THE HOLIDAYS. I WISH I COULD FIX IT FOR HIM. I WISH I COULD FIX IT AND BRING HER BACK FOR US ALL BUT MAINLY FOR HIM. HE SHOULD NOT HAVE HAD TO ENDURE SUCH PAIN AT SUCH A YOUNG AGE..........I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND AS NO ONE WILL. CHRISTMAS IS A ROUGH ONE FOR US THOUGH. I REMEMBER THE CHRISTMAS RIGHT BEFORE SHE DIED. I REMEMBER GIVING HER HER DORA HOUSE, HER KITCHEN SET ETC.......... SHE WAS SO HAPPY AND I NEVER SAW HER DYING LESS THEN 1 MONTH LATER......LIFE IS UNREAL!! YOU JUST NEVER KNOW. AS I HAVE SAID BEFORE SHE TAUGHT ME QUITE A FEW LESSONS THAT I WILL FOREVER LIVE BY.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING BUGGER!!! WE LOVE YOU!!!! XOXOXOXO WISH I COULD WRAP MY ARMS AROUND YOU AND SQUEEZE!!!!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

2008-10-31T09:47:00.004-04:00

I HAVE TO PUT THIS ANGEL PIC. UP AGAIN AS I SWEAR IT LOOKS LIKE HER!!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN LOVE BUG!! HOPE YOU ARE DOING YOUR OWN TRICK OR TREATING TODAY!! WONDER WHAT SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN FOR HALLOWEEN THIS YEAR??

NOT SURE WHY BUT TODAY SEEMS TO BE ONE OF THOSE ROUGH DAYS WHERE SHE IS ALL I AM THINKING ABOUT!! FROM THE TIME I OPENED MY EYES THIS MORNING!! SO I DECIDED I WOULD ADD TO HER BLOG/ MY VENTING GROUNDS!!

I MISS HER LIKE YOU CANNOT EVEN IMAGINE. i LOOK AT ISABELLA DAY TO DAY AND THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS IN COMMON YET IT DOESN'T FILL THAT VOID. THE VOID OF PUTTING HER TO BED AT NIGHT AND WALKING AROUND TO CLOSE THE BLINDS AND HEARING HER SAY GOOD NIGHT WORLD. THEN THERE WAS GOING TO GET HER A SIPPY CUP BEFORE BED AND HEARING HER SAY "DA MOON", SO MANY THINGS THAT DON'T EXIST IN MY WORLD ANYMORE.......I MISS THEM AND HER!!

FUNNY, SHE WAS A LADY BUG FOR HER FIRST HALLOWEEN AND I KNOW THIS ISN'T BELLY'S FIRST HALLOWEEN BUT IT IS THE FIRST HALLOWEEN THAT SHE IS DRESSING UP FOR AND SHE WILL BE MY LITTLE BUMBLE BEE......GUESS I HAVE A THING FOR INSECTS-HUH? LOL!

I NEED TO TALK ABOUT MY LOSS. I MAY OFTEN FEEL THE NEED TO TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED--OR TO ASK YOU WHY IT HAPPENED.

I MAY FREQUENTLY NEED FOR YOU TO LISTEN WHILE I EXPLAIN WHAT THIS LOSS MEANS TO ME. EACH TIME I DISCUSS MY LOSS, I AM HELPING MYSELF FACE THE REALITY OF THE DEATH OF MY LOVED ONE. I NEED TO KNOW THAT YOU CARE ABOUT ME. I NEED TO FEEL YOUR TOUCH, YOUR HUGS, I NEED YOU JUST TO BE WITH ME. AND I NEED TO BE WITH YOU. I NEED FOR YOU TO BELIEVE IN ME AND IN MY ABILITY TO GET THROUGH THIS GRIEF IN MY OWN WAY--AND IN MY OWN TIME.

PLEASE DON'T JUDGE ME NOW OR THINK THAT I AM BEHAVING STRANGELY. REMEMBER I'M GRIEVING. I MAY BE IN SHOCK. I MAY FEEL AFRAID. I MAY FEEL DEEP RAGE. I MAY EVEN FEEL GUILTY. BUT ABOVE ALL, I HURT. I AM EXPERIENCING A PAIN UNLIKE ANY I'VE EVER FELT BEFORE. DON'T BE CONCERNED IF YOU THINK I'M GETTING BETTER AND SUDDENLY I SEEM TO SLIP BACKWARD AGAIN. GRIEF MAKES ME BEHAVE THIS WAY AT TIMES. AND PLEASE DON'T TELL ME YOU KNOW JUST HOW I FEEL OR THAT ITS TIME FOR ME TO GET ON WITH MY LIFE. I AM PROBABLY ALREADY SAYING THIS TO MYSELF. I JUST NEED FOR YOU TO BE PATIENT NOW AND TRY TO UNDERSTAND. FINALLY ALLOW ME THE TIME I NEED TO GRIEVE AND TO RECOVER. I WANT TO GET ON WITH MY LIFE--BUT I KNOW THAT I FIRST MUST WALK THROUGH THE DARK SHADOWS OF MY GRIEF AND ALTHOUGH IT IS ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO BELIEVE THIS NOW, I KNOW ONE DAY MY GRIEF WILL END. MOST OF ALL THANK YOU FOR BEING MY FRIEND. THANK YOU FOR CARING, FOR HELPING FOR UNDERSTANDING. THANK YOU FOR PRAYING FOR ME. AND REMEMBER IN THE DAYS OR YEARS AHEAD AFTER YOUR LOSS WHEN YOU NEED ME AS I HAVE NEEDED YOU, I WILL UNDERSTAND, AND THEN I WILL COME AND BE WITH YOU.

I PUT THIS ON HER BLOG IN THE BEGINNING AFTER SHE LEFT ......AND I HAVE TO SAY I HAVE COME ALONG WAY AND I DO WANT TO THANK EVERYONE WHO WAS THERE HOLDING MY HAND OR JUST SAYING A PRAYER FOR US..........

I DID NEED TO TALK ABOUT MY LOSS AND I STILL DO FROM TIME TO TIME, BUT CERTAINLY NOT AS MUCH AS I USED TO. I DO KEEP HER IN MY THOUGHTS DAILY, DAILY SHE IS SPOKE ABOUT IN MY HOUSE AND THAT WILL NEVER CHANGE. ISABELLA WILL GROW UP WITH A SENSE OF ALMOST KNOWING HER. THERE ARE DAYS LIKE TODAY WHEN I STILL GET THAT THROAT CLOSING FEELING AND I LEARN TO COPE AND COME ON HERE AND VENT. IT DID FEEL THEN THAT I WOULD NEVER BE WHERE I AM TODAY WITH THIS, I FELT LIKE I WASN'T GOING TO BE OKAY, AS THOUGH I WAS GOING TO LOSE MYSELF SOMEWHERE. BUT IN ALL REALITY I FOUND MYSELF. I FOUND THE PERSON I WANT TO BE TODAY. SHE TAUGHT ME SO MANY THINGS AND I AS I HAVE SAID TIME AND TIME AGAIN, I LEARNED FROM HER LESSONS.

WE MISS YOU BUG FACE!!!!!

INVISIABLE CORD

2008-09-17T16:42:00.005-04:00

We are connected, My child and I,by an invisible cord, not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord that connects us 'til birth.

This cord can't be seen by any on Earth.

This cord does its work right from the start.

It binds us together, attached to my heart.

I know that it's there, though no one can see,The invisible cord from my child to me.

The strength of this cord is hard to describe.

It can't be destroyed, it can't be denied.It's stronger than any cord man could create,It withstands the test, can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,Though you are not here with me,The cord is still there, but no one can see.

It pulls at my heart, I am bruised...I am sore,But this cord is my lifeline, as never before.

I am thankful that God connects us this way,A mother and child--Death can't take it away!

BRAVE SOUL

2008-09-11T10:02:00.003-04:00

WAS THINKING ALOT ABOUT HER TODAY!! IN THINKING ABOUT HER TODAY, I REALIZED SOMETHING AND I DON'T KNOW IF THIS WAS EVER SOMETHING I MAY HAVE THOUGHT OF IN THE PAST OR NOT...BUT IT CAME TO ME TODAY!! THAT LITTLE GIRL WAS BRAVE FOR EVERYTHING SHE ENDURED THAT NIGHT.............WHEN I LOOKED AT HER SITTING IN THAT HIGH CHAIR, FACE BRIGHT RED AND HER HAND IN HER MOUTH AND GASPING FOR THE AIR THAT SHE COULDN'T GET NOR I COULDN'T GIVE, THERE WERE NO TEARS......I THINK BACK AND I LOOKED INTO HER EYES AS I PULLED HER OUT OF THAT HIGH CHAIR AND SHE HAD NO TEARS..........

WHEN I DID THE HEIMLICH AGAIN THERE WERE NO TEARS, WHEN I RAN TO THE FRONT DOOR WITH HER TO TRY AND GET HER AIR, SHE JUST LOOKED AT ME STILL GASPING FOR AIR, STILL NO TEARS.......FINALLY WHEN I LAID HER DOWN AS SHE WENT UNCONSCIOUS AND STARTED CPR ON HER SHE LAID THERE SO PEACEFUL AND NO TEARS......THAT LITTLE GIRL LEFT THIS WORLD, LEFT HER FAMILY AND FRIENDS WITH NO TEARS......... COULD YOU DO THAT??? SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS HAPPENING TO HER , I AS HER MOMMY DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS WRONG WITH HER AND AS HER MOMMY I COULDN'T FIX IT AND I SWEAR BY THE WAY SHE LOOKED AT ME THAT NIGHT IT WAS AS IF SHE KNEW THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO. I HAVE NEVER FELT SO HELPLESS IN LIFE AS I DID THAT NIGHT! SORRY FOR THE DETAIL BUT I NEED TO LET EVERYONE KNOW HOW BRAVE AND HOW STRONG MY LITTLE GIRL WAS.........SHE AMAZED ME FROM DAY 1 OF HER LIFE AND STILL NOW TODAY SHE CONTINUES TO AMAZE ME AND MAKE ME WHO I AM TODAY!!

I LOVE YOU HAILEY AND MISS YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING!!!

Living in Her Honor

2008-08-21T16:08:00.003-04:00

Funny how your life can change in the blink of an eye......relationships end, people leave for reasons like Hailey left etc......Life just changes every so often and its amazing how sometimes it can be wonderful changes and other can be horrifying. I guess thats the way we learn....

I learned a tremendous amount of lessons by losing my daughter. Some people will take thos lessons learned and live by them and others will take them for a moment and forget about them.

As I said I live by the lessons I have learned from losing my little Bug and one is that life can be pulled from you tomorrow. Be happy, be happy with your life, live everyday to the fullest! Don't get tangled in lifes ruts that can sometimes come your way with out you even realizing it came.

I miss her and I live in her honor day to day, there are times where I do things and have to wonder and say to myself "Would she be mad at me for this?"She might or she might not, but living in her honor means I have to be happy, I have to wake up happy and go to bed happy and if I'm not I'm not living in her honor or learning from any lessons of losing her.

She was such a happy baby and had a sparkle in her eye, that could light up a room without her even trying and when I feel unhappy or I see I'm not happy about something, I think of her and do my best to fix it.

2008-07-09T15:26:00.003-04:00

SO......INTERESTING YET QUITE EXCITING STORY!! LAST NIGHT FRANK AND I WERE IN THE LIVING ROOM IN WHICH WE RARELY SIT IN TO WATCH TV TOGETHER(NORMALLY EITHER IN BED OR IN THE KITCHEN) HOWEVER LAST NIGHT WE WERE IN THE LIVING ROOM WATCHING TV AND ISABELLA AND ALEX WERE IN BED FOR QUITE SOMETIME SLEEPING. WHILE WE WERE WATCHING TV ISABELLA EXCERSAUCER ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE ROOM STARTED MAKING NOISES ON ITS OWN, A FEW MINUTES LATER IT CONTINUED TO DO IT.FRANK AND I JUST LOOKED AT ONE ANOTHER AND LAUGHED AND SAID "HAILEY'S HERE PLAYING!!" SO WE WENT TO BED. ISABELLA WOKE UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AROUND 3AM, I SAT IN HER ROOM FOR A FEW MINUTES ROCKING HER BACK TO SLEEP. WHILE I WAS IN HER ROOM, I HEAR THE TOYS DOWNSTAIRS START MAKING NOISES AGAIN. NOW SHE AND I WERE THE ONLY ONES AWAKE AND NOT DOWNSTAIRS. HAILEY WAS PLAYING AGAIN!! ;) THE LITTLE THINGS IN LIFE THAT EXCITE YA!!

I WAS WATCHING THE NEWS LAST NIGHT AND WENT TO BED IN TEARS. DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE TWO LITTLE KIDS THAT DROWNED THIS WEEK ALONE? IT GOT TO ME!! I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THESE THINGS HAPPEN TO SUCH LITTLE INNOCENT CHILDREN AND THEN TO TOP IT OFF THE POOR 16 YEAR OLD THAT FOUND HER AT THE BOTTOM OF THE POOL. ITS TERRIBLE AND THESE THINGS REALLY EAT AT ME. IT BOTHERS THE SHIT OUT OF ME AND THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO TO MAKE IT BETTER FOR THE FAMILIES OR MY OWN FOR THAT MATTER. I JUST FEEL LIKE I WANT TO MAKE THE PAIN OR I WANT TO DO SOMETHING TO HELP PREVENT THESE THINGS OR MAKE THE TIMES THAT ARE COMING TO THESE FAMILIES EASIER FOR THEM...I DON'T KNOW ITS HARD TO EXPLAIN THE FEELING THAT RUNS THROUGH ME...I GUESS I JUST WANT TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE FOR SOMEONE SOMEWHERE..DOES THAT MAKE SENSE. I FEEL LIKE I HAVE A MISSION AND I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS YET??

ITS BEEN AWHILE.....SORRY BUG FACE!!

2008-07-07T11:46:00.003-04:00

I KNOW I HAVEN'T BEEN ON HERE IN AWHILE,HOWEVER SHE KNOWS THAT I SPEAK TO HER ON A DAILY BASIS.NOT TO MENTION MISS HER ON A DAILY BASIS!! AS ISABELLA GROWS THERE ARE PARTS OF HER THAT REMIND ME OF MY LITTLE BUG BUT THEN THERE ARE OTHER THINGS THAT SHOW SHE IS HER OWN PERSON. ITS SO CRAZY HOW SHE WAS BORN ILL AND NO DOCTOR PICKED UP ON THAT......HOW MANY OF THESE CHILDREN FALL THREW THESE CRACKS?? I LIKE THE EMAIL SOMEONE SENT ME TODAY ABOUT HOW GOD GIVES YU YOUR SCARS AND BATTLES FOR A REASON.........THIS HAPPENING TO MY FAMILY AND I MADE US WHO WE ARE TODAY. IT MOLDED FRANK AND I INTO THE PARENTS AND INDIVIUALS WE ARE TODAY. IT MADE ALEX WHO HE IS AND WHO HE IS GROWING TO BE. IT FOUND PATIENTS IN ME FOR MY CHILDREN, IT FOUND SO MANY THINGS HOWEVER AS TIME GOES BY THE PAIN DOESN'T EASE YOU FIND MORE WAYS TO COPE WITH IT BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO. I AM ALSO LEARNING, THAT I CAN INSTANTLY THINK OF SOMETHING AND THROW MYSELF INTO A INSTANT PANIC ATTACK. I GET THIS KNOT IN MY STOMACH AND I FEEL MY ANXIETY, BUT I LEARNED HOW TO COPE WITH THAT AND TALK MYSELF OUT OF IT. YOUR BRAIN IS SO POWERFUL............

I MISS HER AND WE WILL FOREVER MISS HER. SHE KNOWS THIS AND SHE HEARS US SPEAKING TO HER ON A DAILY BASIS, SHE ALSO HEARS US BEING SELFISH SOMETIMES AND ASKING FOR GOOD WEATHER ETC.....LOL!! BUT SHE ALSO HEARS OUR TRYING TIMES AND CARRIES US THROUGH IT, I ALSO BELIEVE SHE LEFT US FOR A REASON, I THINK SHE WOULD HAVE HAD IT ROUGH SHOULD THEY HAVE FOUND WHAT WAS WRONG WITH HER,MAYBE LIFE WOULD HAVE BEEN PAINFUL FOR HER, SO HERE GOD SAW AN INNOCENT CHILD HEADED FOR A LIFETIME OF PAIN AND SORROW AND HE TOOK HER TO EASE HER PAIN. YES HE CAUSED PAIN FOR US HERE, BUT I WILL COPE AND ENDURE THAT PAIN IF IT EASED HERS. AS A PARENT THATS WHAT YOUR SUPPOSED TO DO. RIGHT? SOMEONE SAID HOW MUCH ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO TAKE, WELL I HAVE THE ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION........... I HAVE LEARNED IN TIME THE ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION......YOU ARE ONLY GIVEN HOW MUCH YOU CAN TAKE...I BELIEVE THIS.....MAYBE BECAUSE IT CARRIES ME THROUGH SOME OF THE PAIN OR MAYBE BECAUSE ITS TRUE. WHATEVER IT IS ITS WORKING FOR ME!! LOL!!

I HAVE COME TO TERMS THAT THIS HAPPEND TO MY FAMILY AND I AND THER EIS NOTHING WE CAN DO TO CHANGE IT. I LIVE MY LIFE TO THE FULLEST IN HAILEYS HONOR. I TRY MY BEST TO ALWAYS DO THE RIGHT THING, MAKE THE RIGHT DECISIONS AND BE A NICE PERSON. I BELIEVE SHE WATCHES ME THEREFORE I MAKE SURE I MAKE THE RIGHT DECISIONS AS A MOTHER AND A FRIEND. ( I CAN'T SAY WIFE)SORRY HONEY I HAD TO THROW A DIG IN THERE SOMEWHERE!! LOL!! SHES PROBABLY LIKE "YEAH DAD WOULD YA GET MOVIN ON THAT ITS ONLY BEEN 9 YEARS!!LMAO!!2 KIDS LATER!!

WHELP I HAVE A LOT TO SAY OBVIOUSLY BECAUSE I HAVEN'T BEEN ON IN QUITE SOMETIME SO I WILL SAVE SOME FOR NEXT TIME!!

I LOVE YOU HAILE BUG!!

YOU FOUR!!!

2008-04-12T11:06:00.004-04:00

YOU WOULD BE FOUR TODAY, GOD THE TIME FLEW BY. WOULD IT HAVE IF YOU WERE STILL HERE?? HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY GIRL! WE LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU. WE WILL THINK OF YOU ALL DAY TODAY!! MOMMY,DADDY,ALEX,ISABELLA,JANESSA,JOHN,SARAH,GABE,MIMI AND POPPY BOLUGHT YOU A SPECIAL PRESENT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY! IT WILL HELP PEOPLE STAY DOWN THERE LONGER TO SEE YOU!! IT WILL ALSO LOOK REALLY PRETTY!
I HOPE YOUR HAVING A SPECIAL DAY AND I HOPE YOU ARE DOING SPECIAL THINGS TODAY FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY!! NO BOWLING OR SHOWERING THOUGH TODAY, MAKE IT A NICE DAY!! LOL!!
I LOVE YOU BABY GIRL!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR HAILEY
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!

THIS MAKES ME SICK....

2008-04-10T10:39:00.001-04:00

THESE ARE THE THINGS IN LIFE THAT MAKE ME SICK!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH PROPLE!!! SHE WAS AN INNOCENT DEFENSELESS LITTLE GIRL!! I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THESE PEOPLE ARE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN!! HERE I DID EVERYTHING RIGHT BY MY CHILD AND SHE WAS TAKEN FROM ME AD I DIDN'T WANT HER TO LEAVE. THESE IDIOT(PUTTING IT NICELY) KILLED THEIR BABY!!

YORK, Pa. — A 2-year-old girl died after being beaten with a video game controller by her mother’s boyfriend, police said Tuesday.
Darisabel Baez’s mother overheard the beating Sunday but did nothing until she realized the girl was unconscious, police said. The girl was pronounced dead late Monday at Hershey Medical Center, police Lt. Ron Camacho said.
Homicide was added to the list of charges against Harve Johnson on Tuesday; he was already in jail on counts including aggravated assault and reckless endangerment.
The girl’s mother, Neida Baez, was charged with endangering the welfare of a child.
It was clear from the bruises and other injuries on the little girl’s body that Sunday was not the first time she had been abused, Dauphin County coroner Graham Hetrick told WGAL-TV. He said it was one of the worst cases of child abuse he has ever seen.
Baez, 19, called for an ambulance Sunday and said Johnson had brought the unconscious child to her, limp and wet from an attempt to revive her in a bathtub, a police affidavit said.

Johnson, 26, acknowledged beating the girl with a video game controller but did not say why, police said. Baez said Johnson had abused the girl in the past and that she heard the girl scream after Johnson beat her Sunday, according to the affidavit.
Det. Dana Ward said Baez was charged because she did not intervene or try to get help for Darisabel.
Johnson and Baez remained in custody Tuesday. His bail was set at $200,000; hers was $25,000.
Through police, family members declined requests for interviews Tuesday. Court officials said they did not know whether Johnson and Baez had lawyers to speak for them.

DON'T LEAVE ANYMORE BEHIND....

2008-04-02T16:31:00.002-04:00

I CAN ONLY WONDER IF IA M DAMAGED MENTALLY...LOL DID LOSING YOU MESS ME UP IN THE HEAD?OR DID IT MAKE ME A BETTER PERSON/MOM THAT I AM TODAY? LIFE HAS SUCH A WAY OF TEACHING YOU LESSONS.I JUST WISH THIS PAIN, THIS EMPTINESS,THIS HURT WOULD GO AWAY. BUT WE ALL KNOW THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO MAKE ALL THESE FEELINGS GO AWAY. HER BIRTHDAY IS COMING AND I FIND MYSELF FEELING GUILTY THAT ASIDE FROM SOME SORT OF SPECIAL CHAR ACTOR OF FLOWER, I CAN'T MAKE HER BIRTHDAY SPECIAL FOR HER. I FEEL LIKE I DON'T KNOW MY BABY ANYMORE. SHE WAS TAKEN AWAY FROM ME, I DON'T KNOW WHO SHE'D BE TODAY, HOW SHE WOULD SOUND,HOW LONG HER HAIR WOULD BE,WHAT SHOWS SHE WOULD WATCH. I CAN ONLY TAKE THIS AS "ANOTHER LESSON IN ANOTHER CHAPTER"AS THEY SAY. BUT DAMN MY BOOK HAS AN AWFUL LOT OF CHAPTERS IN 27 YEARS. NOT THAT I FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF BECAUSE I CAN HONESTLY SAY THAT EVEN AFTER THIS ALL I LOVE MY LIFE, I LOVE WHO I AM. I AM GRATEFUL FOR WHO I AM. I HAVE A BEAUTIFUL LITTLE BOY AND A BEAUTIFUL BABY GIRL. I ALSO HAD A BEAUTIFUL ANGEL, THAT GOD PICKED ME TO HAVE AND RAISE FOR 21 MONTHS. SHE WAS MINE AND A PIECE OF HER WILL ALWAYS BE MINE. I AM HONORED THAT HE CHOSE ME AND I WOULDN'T CHANGE ANY OF IT(OTHER THAN IF I COULD GET HER BACK.) BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN...

BUT PLEASE GOD..................DON'T TAKE ANYMORE FROM ME....................PLEASE DON'T TAKE AND LEAVE ANYMORE HURT BEHIND......................

Memories, the good and the bad!

2008-02-20T10:47:00.004-05:00

I don't know sometimes about the emotions that run through me!! It could be completely out of nowhere! The other night I was sitting with Frank at the kitchen table feeding the baby, all of a sudden the tears just started to flow. He looked at me and asked "what is wrong?" I couldn't answer him at first because it took a minute for me to realize that I was crying about my missing angel girl........ She just hit me that night like a ton of bricks. Its hurts and there is nothing to soothe that pain when you feel it!! I miss her, I miss her everyday of my life. She will never be out of my heart and every day that I wake up I begin to realize that more and more. It hurts that I can't remember things.. I can't remember how she talked, other than certain things she said, I can't remember how she felt, I can't remember if I hugged her that day or even if I kissed her. The part that I can remember is her going limp in my arms, her turning bright red and sticking her hands in her mouth....How come I can remember all the bad things from that night and they constantly replay in my head yet I cannot remember all of the good???Someone shed some light on that for me...because it almost feels like because I can't remember all of the good yet I can remember the bad that it was all a dream, this little girl that I love more than anything and thought I had this close bond with.........did I??? Was I there enough, these are all things you begin to question........

I love you baby girl!!!

ITS HERE AGAIN......

2008-01-16T09:19:00.000-05:00

Where do you start, its here again….except now its two years since she left our world. Still we wonder why, I am sure that will always be a question! Life is always interesting…. Here we are at this moment again, yet now we have a little girl again in our lives. I thought it would maybe ease the pain, however now all we do is question “ and there could be 5 of us instead of 4”…..

Maybe it sounds selfish, but I think we have earned that right. We are okay though. We cry together and we laugh at the memories we had with her. We have also I think accepted this is our life. This is who we are. She made us who we are today. The outlook of life within my household has changed since dramatically. Frusteration or rushing the days just doesn’t exist in our world. The lessons we were taught are amazing….. .

Life is not perfect by any means, however you are given a deck of cards from day one and how you play them is how the rest of your life will be molded for you!!

We miss her,we miss her with every ounce of heart and sole we have, however I do believe she is watching all of us and knows every thought that runs through our heads.I believe she sent us little Isabella to help mend or ease the pain a ltttle. But I also hop she knows it will never ease that pain entirely nor make us forget her at any given point of the day.

Two years has flown by, and here we are still with no answers nor any direction on getting the answers or able to blame someone. We have decided not to pursue blaming someone, we think three strikes and we are out so to speak. We were denied by three different attorneys, the only answer I have for that is Hailey is telling us in her own way to give up and let it go.
We love you bug and miss you!! Please think of our bug today and take a minute from your day to say a prayer for her as well as her brother & sister.

HAPPY NEW YEAR BABY GIRL!!

2008-01-01T12:31:00.000-05:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR BUG A BOO!! HOPE YOU HAD A FUN NEW YEARS EVE, WE MISSED YOU OF COURSE!! WE JUST STAYED HOME AND HUNG WITH THE KIDDIES, HAD SOME PIZZA HUT ETC AND FRIENDLY'S ICE CREAM!! DADDY HAS TO WORK TODAY SO ITS JUST ME, ALEX AND ISABELLA. I THINK WE MIGHT GO SHOPPING. WELL I COULD TELL YOU AGAIN HOW MUCH WE MISS YOU AND WISH THAT YOU WERE HERE WITH US BUT I KNOW YOU KNOW THAT ALREADY.

I LOVE YOU MY LITTLE BUG AND I HOPE YOUKNOW THAT!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO MY BABY GIRL

2007-12-27T11:26:00.000-05:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO MY BABY GIRL IN HEAVEN. WE MISSED YOU NOT BEING THERE AGIAN THIS YEAR, IT NEVER SEEMS TO GET EASIER, MAYBE EVEN HARDER WITH OUT YOU MY LOVE!! I ALWAYS FINDING MYSELF ASKING I WONDER WHAT YOU WOULD LOOK LIKE RIGHT NOW OR HOW YOU WOULD REACT TO SANTA COMING ON CHRISTMAS MORNING. THEN I THINK BACK TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU SAW THE KITCHEN SET THAT YEAR AND I SMILE, THEN OF COURSE I CRY BECAUSE I GET UPSET THAT THERE WEREN'T MOR CHRISTMAS'S LIKE THAT WITH YOU. BUT I SHOULD BE HAPPY I GOT THAT WITH YOU. YOU WERE SPECIAL AND FOREVER I WILL KNOW THAT IN MY HEART. I REMEMBER THAT MORNING LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY, YOU HAD A POOPIE DIAPER AND IT DIDN'T PHASE YOU, YOU COULD CARE LESS. YOU HAD YOUR BROTHER AND YOUR NEW KITCHEN SET AND THAT WAS ALL THAT WAS IMPORTANT. NOW YOUR BROTHER ON THE OTHER HAND WAS HOLDING HIS NOSE AND I SNAPPED PICTURES OF THE TWO OF YOU!! I MISS YOU MY BUG!! I A M SOO SORRY THAT I DON'T GET ON HERE AS OFTEN AS I DO. BUT IA M SURE YOU OF ALL PEOPLE UNDERSTAND THAT I CANNOT ALLOW MYSELF TO MISS A BEAT OF TIME WITH YOUR SISTER. I WATCH HER AND I SEE YOU BABY GIRL!! SHE IS SO BEAUTIFUL JUST LIKE YOU!! I KNOW SHE WAS A PIECE OF HEAVEN GIVEN TO US BY YOU!! AND I THANK YOU, I THANK YOU EVERYDAY HAILEY......... I MISS YOU AND PLEASE KNOW THAT NO ONE HAS REPLACED YOU,SHE IS A CONSTANT POSITIVE REMINDER OF YOU. I LOVE HER, YOU AND ALEX ALL EQUALLY AND NO ONE COULD EVER CHANGE THAT. HAVE ANOTHER MERRY CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR WITH JESUS BABY GIRL. I LOVE YOU!!

GUILT HAS A WAY OF FINDING ME.....

2007-10-28T22:56:00.001-04:00

SO SORRY I HAVEN'T BEEN HERE IN AWHILE BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN A SECOND HAS PAST WHERE I HAVEN'T THOUGHT ABOUT MY LITTLE BUG. AS A MATTER OF FACT WHILE IN LABOR WITH ISABELLA I WAS PRAYING TO HAILEY AND ASKING HER TO MAKE THE WHOLE PROCESS GO QUICKER AND MAKE HE PAIN GO AWAY,YET FEELING GUILTY FOR ASKING HER THIS WHILE IN LABOR WITH ANOTHER LITTLE BABY GIRL. I FEEL GUILT, AND I CAN ONLY HOPE THAT THAT IS NATURAL TO FEEL RIGHT NOW. I FEEL RIGHT NOW THAT MY LITTLE BUG IS HATING ME FROM UP THERE, I DO HAVE MY OWN GUILT NOT JUST FROM HAVING ISABELLA BUT ALSO BECAUSE I HAVE NOT BEEN TO THE CEMETERY IN QUITE SOMETIME. NOT THAT IT WAS A GOOD ENOUGH EXCUSE BUT WHILE PREGNANT IT WAS ALMOST LIKE I FELT UNEASY GOING THERE, I DIDN'T WANT TO UPSET HER. EVEN THOUGH IN MY HEART OF HEART I TRULY BELIEVE THAT HAILEY SENT HEALTHY ISABELLA DOWN TO US. WE RECEIVED A PHONE CALL FROM MY ATTORNEYS DOCTOR THE OTHER DAY WHOM EXPLAINED THAT SHE FEEL JUST BY READING THE PAPER WORK THAT HAILEY CHOKED. I EXPLAINED TO HER THAT IT WAS DETERMINED BY THE ER DOCTOR AS WELL AS THE ME THAT MY DAUGHTER DID NOT CHOKE. I THEN RECEIVED THE CALL FROM THE ATTORNEY THAT SHE WAS NO LONGER GOING TO TAKE THE CASE. MY GUILT THAN WENT BACK TO THAT NIGHT. ALL MY EMOTIONS FROM THAT NIGHT IN THE HOSPITAL WERE BACK AGAIN. I FELT I FAILED MY DAUGHTER, I COULD NOT SAVE HER. I WAS NOT PREPARED AS A MOTHER SHOULD HAVE BEEN. IN HEARING THIS FROM THIS DOCTOR WHO NEVER EXAMINED MY DAUGHTER AFTER EVERYTHING I WENT BACK TO BLAMING MYSELF, WHICH THEN BRINGS ME TO WHERE I AM NOW. HAILEY HATES ME!! BETWEEN THE BABY AND THIS FORGET I FAILED HER TEN TIMES OVER AGAIN.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO HER THAT NIGHT AND PROBABLY NEVER WILL BUT I ONLY HOPE SHE CAN FORGIVE ME,I HOPE SHE KNOWS I DID EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO KEEP HER HERE WITH ME. THAT LITTLE GIRL WAS MY BEST FRIEND THEN AND STILL IS NOW. I TALK TO HER ON A DAILY BASIS. I LOOK AT ISABELLA AND AM SO HAPPY AND I LOVE HER SO MUCH, I JUST WISH SHE STILL HAD A BIG SISTER. I FOLD ISABELLA'S CLOTHES AND REMEMBER FOLDING HAILEYS AND BECOME SO EXCITED FOR ISABELLA TO GROW. THEN I BECOME SCARRED, SCARRED THAT THIS HAPPINESS THAT WE NOW KNOW AGAIN CAN BE TAKEN AWAY AT THE BLINK OF ANY EYE.

I JUST NEED TO KNOW IF ALL THESE EMOTIONS AND QUESTIONS I HAVE ARE NORMAL. IS IT NORMAL TO FEEL SCARRED? SCARRED OF LOSING ISABELLA? SCARRED OF ISABELLA CHOKING? SCARRED TO LET HER SLEEP WITHOUT ME CHECKING ON HER A MILLION AND ONE TIMES? EVERY TIME SHE SNEEZES OR SOUNDS CONGESTED FOR A BRIEF MOMENT I START PANICKING? ARE ALL THESE THINGS NORMAL FOR ME, OR AM I LOSING IT? HAHA!!!

THE ONLY THING I CAN SAY IS LITTLE BUG I LOVE YOU AND NO ONE WILL EVER REPLACE YOU. AND BY US HAVING ISABELLA WE WERE NOT TRYING TO REPLACE YOU. PART OF ME THINKS AND HOPES THERE WILL BE AL OT OF RESEMBLANCES AS I WOULD LOVE TO SEE A LITTLE PIECE OF HAILEY IN HER TO BE REMINDED OF HER DAILY AND TO KNOW THAT HAILEY HERSELF PICKED ISABELLA FOR ME, FRANK AND ALEX!!

WE LOVE YOU BABY!! WE WILL ALWAYS AND FOREVER MISS YOU YOU!!

MY DREAM ABOUT MY BUG

2007-09-18T10:18:00.000-04:00

LAST NIGHT WAS AN INTERESTING EVENING I MIGHT SAY. I GUESS MY PREGO HARMON ES ARE RAGING AT THIS POINT AND I HAD A DREAM. I HAD A WONDERFUL DREAM ABOUT MY LITTLE BUG. I FINALLY DREAMT AND WAS ABLE TO SEE HER FACE IN COMPLETE, HOWEVER NOT ONLY WAS I ABLE TO SEE HER FACE BUT I GOT TO HOLD AND HUG HER. I LOVED EVERY MOMENT OF IT, IT FELT SO REAL. BUT THE DREAM ITSELF WAS WEIRD. IT WAS THAT SHE PASSED YEARS PRIOR HOWEVER SHE REAPPEARED, GOD LET US HAVE HER FOR A LITTLE WHILE. THROUGH OUT THE WHOLE DREAM I KNEW SHE WAS GOING TO HAVE TO LEAVE ME AGAIN BUT NEVER GOT TO THE POINT OF HER LEAVING, JUST CHERISHED EVERY MOMENT I HAD WITH HER AND DIDN'T SHARE HER. SHE WAS IN MY ARMS AT ALL TIMES. IT WAS WEIRD BUT LOVED THE FACT THIS MORNING WHEN I WOKE UP I GOT TO SEE HER AND TOUCH HER. IT WAS THE MOST AMAZING FEELING IN THE WORLD BECAUSE THE DREAM FELT SO REAL.

I THEN STARTED THINKING TO MYSELF WHAT DOES THIS DREAM MEAN, WHAT IS THE MEANING BEHIND THIS DREAM...??? OR IS THERE?? I AM ONE WHERE MY MIND TENDS TO RUN AWAY WITH ME. AND I HAVE SO MANY FEARS WITHIN RIGHT NOW BEING PREGNANT, I GUESS BECAUSE I OUR PAST. I WORRY ABOUT GOING INTO LABOR THIS TIME, I WONDER IF SOMETHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME, AND THEN I FEAR ABOUT THE BABY. SO MANY EMOTIONS BUT I GUESS WITH ALL THAT HAS HAPPENED IT EXPECTED.

COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS QUOTE OF THE MONTH

2007-08-30T15:17:00.001-04:00

HE THAT CONCEALS HIS GRIEF FINDS NO REMEDY FOR IT-TURKISH PROVERB

SCARED

2007-08-27T08:45:00.000-04:00

WE ARE SCARED AND I DON'T WANT TO COME ON THIS BLOG AND SPEAK OF THE NEW BABY, I FEEL THAT THIS IS HAILEY'S SITE AND THAT I AM TAKING AWAY FROM THAT. HOWEVER WHAT I AM ABOUT TO SPEAK ABOUT HIGHLY INVOLVES THE LITTLE BUG. AS I STARTED SAYING WE ARE SCARED, WE DON'T LET ON TO THAT BECAUSE WE ARE HOPING AND PRAYING FOR THE BEST. HOWEVER PART OF ME CAN'T HELP TO FEEL THAT HAILEY WOULD NOT LET THAT HAPPEN TO US AGAIN. I SOMETIMES HAVE THIS FEELING THAT SHE IS NOW IN CONTROL, AND THEN I HAVE TO STOP AND WAKE MYSELF UP TO THAT SHE WAS ONLY 23 MONTHS OLD. HOW CAN SHE HAVE ALL THAT CONTROL AND IS IT FAIR OF US TO ASK HER TO MAKE SURE ISABELLA IS A HEALTHY LITTLE GIRL??? I GUESS THATS WHERE MY GUILT COMES IN. I STILL SIGN HAILEY'S NAME TO CARDS,I STILL CONSIDER MYSELF A MOTHER OF TWO AND WHEN ISABELLA COMES I WILL THEN BE A MOTHER OF THREE. I JUST ASK FOR A HEALTHY BABY AND I JUST ASK THAT HAILEY ACCEPT THIS WHOLE THING.....BECAUSE IF I WAS HER LOOKING DOWN I DON'T KNOW HOW I WOULD FEEL SEEING MY MOMMY AND DADDY WITH ANOTHER BABY....

THE 4TH

2007-07-05T09:56:00.000-04:00

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY BABY GIRL!! I KNOW YOU ARE LOOKING FROM ABOVE AT THOSE FIREWORKS WISHING MOMMY AND DADDY COULD HOLD YOU WHILE WATCHING THEM, I KNOW THATS WHAT WE WERE WISHING FOR!! WE MISS YOU BABY!! THE HOLIDAYS WILL NEVER BE THE SAME WITH OUT YOU!! SARAH ASKED THE OTHER DAY IF THIS WAS YOU IN MY BELLY, I GUESS SHE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THAT YOUR IN HEAVEN AND CAN'T COME BACK UNLESS MAYBE SARAH KNOWS SOMETHING YET AGAIN THE REST OF US DON'T!! OKAY I'M AT WORK AND THIS IS GETTING DEEP SO I AM GOING TO GO NOW!! WE LOVE YOU BABY GIRL!! HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY!!

NO MORE SURPRISES.............

2007-06-18T20:55:00.000-04:00

HUGHHH... WHERE TO BEGIN ALL OF THE TIME... WHELP WE WENT TO BABES R US TOGETHER ON FATHERS DAY. IT WAS INTERESTING. WE ENJOYED IT YET COULDN'T FIGURE OUT IF WE SHOULD BE FEELING GUILTY,HAPPY ETC.. BUT WE DID IT, WE REGISTERED AS REQUESTED BY THOSE OF YOU AND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. IT WAS EXCITING YET A LOT OF THE THINGS SHE HAD AS FAR AS HER TOYS THEY STILL HAVE, SO FROM TIME TO TIME WHILE IN THERE WE WOULD PICK CERTAIN THINGS UP AND LOOK AT ONE ANOTHER,LIKE DO WE DARE GET THE SAME TOYS?? WHO CAN ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS AS TO ARE WE DOING WHAT IS RIGHT OR WRONG?? BUT I WILL BOTTOM LINE IT, THERE IS NO RIGHT OR WRONG. ITS WHAT YOU FEEL INSIDE. THE HARDEST THING TO PICK OUT WAS THE CRIB MATTRESS, I FELT GUILTY REPLACING THAT, BUT I CAN'T CHANCE A GERM OR WHATEVER, BUT THAT WAS THE HARDEST THING FOR ME TO DO THAT DAY. YOUR MIND AND YOUR HEART NEVER WORK AS ONE,ITS AMAZING. I MISS HER AND I HOPE SHE KNOWS WE ARE NOT TRYING TO REPLACE HER, YET ARE SO EXCITED TO SEE PIECES OF HER IN ISABELLA. I DON'T KNOW WHY SHE WAS TAKEN FROM US AND YET ANOTHER IS BEING GIVEN TO US. I CAN'T SEEM TO FIGURE OUT THAT ONE FOR THE LIFE OF ME, WHICH IS WHAT I GUESS LEAVES ME SCARED, AS THOUGH IT COULD HAPPEN AGAIN. I GET SCARED FROM TIME TO TIME AND THEN ANOTHER PART OF ME IS SO EXCITED. I AM SO EXCITED TO HAVE ANOTHER BABY, TO FORM A BIGGER UNIT,BUT WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SCARED. I DON'T WANT THIS MESS OF EMOTIONS ANYMORE. I WISH I COULD LEND THEM OUT FOR A DAY.....LOL!!ANY TAKERS??LOL!! SHE WAS MY FIRST LITTLE GIRL, SHE WAS SO VERY SPECIAL TO ME FROM THE DAY SHE WAS BORN I CALLED THAT LITTLE GIRL MY BEST FRIEND AND SHE NEEDS TO KNOW THAT NO ONE WILL EVER REPLACE HER OR THE RELATIONSHIP SHE AND I HAD. I FORGET WHO I USED TO BE. I FORGET THE AMANDA I ONCE WAS.I WONDER IF SHE WILL EVER COME BACK, GOD I HAVE CHANGED THROUGH ALL THE UPS AND DOWNS THROUGH THIS LIFE AND COULD I HAVE THE PERSON I AM TODAY STAY FOR AWHILE?? NO MORE SURPRISES PLEASE...............................

2007-06-04T10:41:00.000-04:00

Whelp as you can see Hailey was beating up Alex, Love this picture they were so awesome together, he would do anything for that little girl and she absolutely adored him.

So sorry I haven't been on and added on. Doesn't mean I didn't think of her 24/7 as always however just really haven't been near a computer long enough to sit down and add. Our computer at home is dead. Anyway as you all know life has brought some interesting things our way in the past few months. We found out we are having a little girl, and I say hand selected by our little Bug!! I get scared,I get happy, I get emotional. There are just so many emotions running within that sometimes all of them combined can be over whelming. However the excitement of it all takes power and hold of me. Which I guess is a good thing. I think about certain things, such as I wonder will this baby girl have my little Hailey's spanky laugh or that pitch when she was in the play pen and would say "up, up mommy/daddy" I wonder these things and get so excited that we maybe able to hear those wonderful things again and then that's when i stop and think could it happen again?? We took every precaution but as the medical examiner told us what Hailey passed from was not something she was born with. The only thing we can keep telling ourselves at this point is we now know the signs and symptoms and we know what to accept from a doctor and what not to. I just please wish for everyone to say a little prayer that a healthy little girl be sent down to us,I think thinking that Hailey hand picked her helps make me think that she would only send a healthy baby to us. Could God put us through that twice? he himself only went through it once, could he, would he make a family suffer so bad twice?? It is scary but as Frank and I have decided we cannot live in fear, he is better at that than I!! He is my foundation, my rock, my support system and I too am his,we lean on one another. With out him I don't think I could have been half as strong as I have been. So my dear if you are reading this know I love you with all my heart!! You have molded me into the person I am today and I love you for that. I think we make a great team!! It was either going to make us or break us and look we made it, not only did we make it but we are stronger than we ever were and I think that was our little Bugs gift that she left behind. She is good at those little gifts. She leaves the for everyone you just have to know when to open your eyes and accept it from her. She'll let you know.

I love you baby girl and we miss you everyday!!! So much!! It hurts!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANGEL GIRL!!

2007-04-12T09:41:00.000-04:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR HAILEY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!

TODAY OUR LITTLE ANGEL WOULD HAVE BEEN THREE!! AND SHE IS MAKING IT RAIN RIGHT NOW!! SHE SAID I WILL MAKE IT THAT YOU CAN'T COME TO THE CEMETERY AND CRY!! ITS MY PARTY AND I WILL CRY IF I WANT TO!!! SHE ALWAYS HAS AN INTERESTING WAY OF MAKING IT DIFFICULT!!

YESTERDAY PREPARING OURSELVES FOR TODAY WAS HARDER THAN TODAY SO FAR IS. WE GOT HER A 3 FOOT LADY BUG MADE OUT OF FLOWERS AND TODAY I AM GOING TO GO TO A STATUE PLACE AND HAVE A BENCH MADE UP, I WOULD ALSO LIKE TO TRY AND MAKE IT TO THE TOY STORE AND PURCHASE A NEW TOY FOR HER DAYCARE CENTER!! I GUESS DOING THESE THINGS MAKES IT A LITTLE EASIER OR KEEPS US BUSY... I DON'T KNOW BUT WHATEVER IT IS SO BE IT!!

I MISS HER ESPECIALLY TODAY KNOWING THAT SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN THREE!! THREE YEARS OLD.....AND WE CAN'T GET TO CELEBRATE HER THIRD BIRTHDAY WITH HER!! BUT SHE KNOWS HOW BADLY SHE WISHES WE COULD!! WE LOVE YOU BUG AND PLEASE KNOW YOU ARE ALWAYS IN OUR THOUGHTS!!! FOREVER AND EVER!!! ENJOY YOUR DAY AND WE WILL BE DOWN AS SOON AS YOU MAKE THE RAIN STOP YA LITTLE PIP!!

2007-04-10T13:56:00.000-04:00

YA KNOW ITS FUNNY BECAUSE ALL DAY I DID NOT STOP THINKING OF HER ON EASTER. I THOUGHT ABOUT MY LITTLE GIRL ALL DAY. I WONDERED IF SHE WAS THERE PLAYING WITH THE KIDS,ETC... NOW BACK UP FOR A SECOND AND THIS COULD MEAN NOTHING AT ALL BECAUSE I DON'T LIVE IN JANESSA'S HOUSE TO SEE IF THIS HAPPENS OFTEN OR NOT BUT ON THREE SEPARATE OCCASIONS WHEN I WAS AT MY SISTERS HOUSE THIS HAPPENED. THE FIRST TIME WAS WHEN I WAS WATCHING SARAH BECAUSE JANESSA WAS IN LABOR WITH GABE, I WAS AT THEIR HOUSE AND I SPOKE TO HAILEY AND TOLD HER TO GO WATCH OVER THEM AND MAKE SURE MY SISTER WAS OKAY. THE SECOND TIME WAS WHEN MY SISTER WAS TAKEN BY AMBULANCE BECAUSE SHE WAS REALLY SICK AND COULDN'T BREATH, I AGAIN WAS AT THEIR HOUSE WATCHING SARAH AND GABE, I ASKED HAILEY TO GO MAKE SURE JANESSA WAS OKAY AND TO MAKE SURE SHE CAME HOME. THE THIRD TIME THIS HAPPENED WAS THE OTHER DAY ON EASTER, AS I SAID I WONDERED ALL DAY IF HAILEY WAS THERE WITH THE KIDS AND FELT AS THOUGH SHE WAS LIKE I ALWAYS DO FOR SOME REASON WHEN I AM AT JANESSA'S, IT'S KIND OF WEIRD I GUESS MAYBE I FEEL THAT WAY BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE WE STAYED WHEN IT FIRST HAPPENED I DON'T KNOW....BUT THE FIRST TIME I STAYED AT JANESSA'S AND ASKED HAILEY TO GO WATCH OVER HER AUNT AND HER NEW COUSIN ON THE WAY, JANESSA'S FRONT DOOR POPPED OPEN COMPLETELY ON IT OWN, THE NEXT TIME I STAYED THERE FRANK AND I WERE IN THE LIVING ROOM AFTER THEY TOOK JANESSA AND I KEPT GETTING UP TO CHECK ON THE BABY AND SARAH AND BEING NERVOUS ABOUT MY BIG SISTER ON MANY OF MY TRIPS TO THE BEDROOM TO CHECK ON THEM I WOULD ASK HAILEY TO MAKE SURE SHE IS THERE WATCHING OVER MY SISTER...AS I WENT TO CHECK ON THE KIDS AFTER ASKING HER, JANESSA'S FRONT DOOR POPPED OPEN...WHELP THIS TIME IT SCARED ME AND I MADE FRANK GO MAKE SURE NO ONE WAS THERE, HOWEVER IT CLICKED THAT WAS HAILEY LEAVING TO GO WATCH JANESSA, AND NOW FINALLY THIS EASTER SUNDAY EVERYONE WAS AT JANESSA'S HOUSE AND ALL THE KIDS WERE PLAYING AND I WONDERED WHAT SHE WOULD BE DOING HAD SHE BEEN THERE WITH US AND I WONDERED IF SHE WAS THERE PLAYING WITH THE KIDS WE JUST COULDN'T SEE HER, IT WAS LATER THAT NIGHT AND FRANK AND I WERE GETTING READY TO GO HOME AND AS I WALKED OUT OF JANESSA'S LIVING ROOM TO GET OUR COATS FROM THE OTHER ROOM THE FRONT DOOR POPPED OPEN ,LIKE SHE KNEW WE WERE ALL LEAVING SO IT WAS TIME FOR HER TO GO AS WELL.....BUT LIKE I SAID WHO KNOWS FOR ALL I KNOW "JANESSA IT MAY JUST BE TIME FOR A NEW DOOR!!"..LOL!! BUT LET ME THINK WHAT I WANT ....OKAY???LOL!!!

I MISS HER AND I JUST KEEP WONDERING IF WE ARE ALL GOING TO GET LITTLE GLIMPSES OF HER IN THE NEW ON THE WAY BABY!! IT WOULD BE SOMETHING SPECIAL IF WE DID!! HER BIRTHDAY IS COMING IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS..SHE WOULD BE 3....HMMMMM WHAT WOULD WE HAVE BOUGHT YOU FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY THIS YEAR......LET ME THINK ABOUT IT AND I WILL LET YOU KNOW BECAUSE I PROBABLY WILL GO OUT AND BUY IT AND BRING IT TO HER DAYCARE CENTER.

HAPPY EASTER BUG!!

2007-04-06T11:48:00.000-04:00

HAPPY EASTER MY LITTLE TINKER BELL GIRL!! WE MISS YOU!! WE WILL MISS NOT HAVING YOU AT BREAKFAST,THE EASTER EGG HUNT AND AT AUNT NESSA'S FOR DINNER.....SO MAKE SURE YOU ARE THERE RUNNING AROUND WITH THE KIDS...LET US KNOW YOU ARE THERE IT WOULD MAKE MY DAY AND I AM SURE EVERYONE ELSE'S TOO!! IF I KNEW YOU, YOU WILL BE MAKING YOUR ROUNDS THAT DAY TO WHERE EVER THERE IS KIDDIES RUNNING AROUND!! WE MISS YOU BABY GIRL, NEVER A DAY THAT GOES BY WHERE YOUR NOT THOUGHT ABOUT!! WE LOVE YOU!!

ITS ANOTHER EASTER WITH OUT OUR LITTLE GIRL AND YET IT NEVER SEEMS TO GET EASIER. YOU STILL THINK ABOUT ALL THE THINGS THAT YOU THOUGHT ABOUT FOR THE YEAR BEFORE.SO AGAIN THE PEOPLE THAT THINK IN TIME IT GETS EASIER.................. WRONG!!!! I KNOW SHE WILL BE WITH US ALL DAY THAT DAY THOUGH!!

Donielle got me started!!

2007-03-26T16:43:00.000-04:00

Look at that face smooshed into her life preserver, but did she have a blast that day!!!To every picture attached is a memory!!

Donielle got me started!! Donielle posted a comment on the one below this about the picture of Hailey with my bra around her neck!! So now I have to tell all the story of the bra and any other clothes she could find!! In our old house I would hang clothes that I didn't put in the dryer on a drying rack in the dining room and Hailey thought that I was hanging them for her all of the time!! Oneday I came home from work and she had a shirt of Alex's on, it was yellow witha navy stripe going through it.She wore that shirt all day and none of us could take it off of her. She walked around with that shirt daily from that day on callin herself Alex!! She adored her big brother,she idolized him, the two of them together was amazing, the most amaxing thing I ever saw. However then one weekend Hailey I guess couldn't find her shirt and decided to go to the drying rack andpick something else, whelp she came trotting into the kitchen with my bra around her neck,trippin all over it!! Frank and I were histerically laughing!! In regards to the yellow shirt Alex still has it and will never give it up!!I can't blame him because I think if he tried to give it up, I wouldn't allow it!!LOL!!!
God I miss her its amazing how you forget these things until something triggers those memories. I can only explain it as she was not ust my daughter, she was my everything!! There were many weekend when Alex would go to his dads and Frank was at work and it was always me and my bug!! We were always together!! And I loved every minute of it,I just wish I knew that I wasn't going to have forever with her. I wish I knew I wasn't going to see her grow up,watch her go to school the first time, her first best friend,her first boyfriend,her first broken heart,her prom,her graduation,her engagment,her wedding,her children etc....You don't realize the time thats is taken for granted in life until its lost...................

ALWAYS ON MY MIND

2007-03-22T21:44:00.000-04:00

I AM SITTING HERE WATCHING TV ND A COMMERCIAL CAME ON. ACTUALLY IT WASN'T A COMMERCIAL IT WAS A COMING ATTRACTION FOR A MOVIE THE LAST NIMSY OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. IT HAD A LITTLE GIRL IN IT SITTING AT THE KITCHEN TABLE WITH I GUESS WHAT APPEARED TO BE HER OLDER BROTHER AND THE BROTHER SAID SOMETING ABOUT HER CHEWING ON A DEAD COW AND SHE MUMBLED SOMETHING WITH ALL OF THE FOOD IN HER MOUTH AND I LOSE IT. IT MADE ME THINK THAT THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ALEX AND HAILEY SITTING AT THE TABLE AND ALEX TEASING HER AND ME GETTING TO HEAR HER LITTLE VOICE RESPOND. BUT WE WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT THTA LITTLE VOICE SOUNDS LIKE OR WHAT HER LITTLE FACE WOULD HAVE GROWN INTO. WHETHER SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN A MODEL OR AN ACTRESS OR EVEN A DOCTOR, SHE WOULD HAVE MADE A DIFERENCE IN THIS WORLD THAT I AM SURE OF AS FOR THE SHORT 23 MONTHS THTA SHE WAS HERE SHE MADE SUCH A DIFFERENCE IN MINE. IT HURTS DAY IN AND DAY OUT WHEN I SEE OTHER FAMILIES TOGETHER AND I KNOW NOTHING IS MISSING YET SOMETHING IS MAJORLY MISSING IN MINE.

HOW SHOULD WE FEEL

2007-03-19T16:05:00.000-04:00

NOT SURE HOW WE SHOULD FEEL AFTER THE NEWS WE RECEIVED TODAY. A RUMOR HAS IT THAT ONE OF THE DOCTORS THAT OUR DAUGHTER WAS UNDER THE CARE OF WAS FIRED AND THE REASON THIS DOCTOR WAS FIRED WAS DUE TO HAVING TOO MANY WRONGFUL DEATHS UNDER HIS CARE. HOW SHOULD WE FEEL? WHEN WILL THIS RAGE OF PAIN AND ANGER BE OVER, IT FEELS LIKE A FRESH WOUND IT FEELS LIKE SOMEONE JUST POURED SALT IN AN OPEN CUT!!TO KNOW THIS INFORMATION AND HAVE TO WONDER WAS OUR LITTLE GIRL ONE OF HIS WRONGFUL SIUTATIONS OR WAS THERE TRULY NO SAVING HER. AND THEN I GO BACK AND I THINK OF ALL THE NEGATIVE THINGS THIS MAN SAID TO ME ON THE MOST HORRID NIGHT OF MY LIFE AND I CAN ONLY HELP TO THINK THAT IT IS TRULY A POSSIBILITY THAT SHE WASN'T MEANT TO LEAVE THIS WORLD YET, MAYBE SHE IS STILL MEANT TO BE HERE. I HAVE ONE THING THAT IS SAVIN GRACE RIGHT NOW AND I KNOW IT MAY SOUND COMPLETELY OUT IN LEFT FIELD BUT IF THIS IS ALL TRUE MAYBE SHE IS COMING BACK REAL SOON ONLY IN A HEALTHY BODY........................................

IT HURTS DAMN IT!!!!

Guilty days...........

2007-03-14T13:33:00.000-04:00

DId you ever wonder why things happen the way they happen in life?? I just find it sometimes I guess in one way interesting but in another frusterating!! I cannot understand for the life of me why things happen or how they happen but I can understand the emotions that we are left with after the fact. As I have said numerous times you have your days but lately I don't know why or maybe I do know why however I feel guilty for something, not sure if its because I feel I haven't been making it to the cemetary or because our new news but whatever it is the guilt is there and I am riding it lately everyday and it makes me moody and hard to deal with. I don't like my attitude lately but sometimes I cannot control it. It is hard to feel guilt on a daily basis and not knw exactly what is bringing the guilt on. Lastnight Frank was at the cemetary and I called him not knowing he was there and he answered the phone and thr phone hung up on me. So I figured he would eventually call me back, he then got into his car and called me back. I asked "why did you hang up on me", He replied while laughing"Babe I didn't hang up on you I swear that must of been Hailey", I asked "what do you mean??" He said"I had plenty of service and I didn't touch a single button on the phone, but you interrupted a conversation between her and I" Do you understand how that made me feel, feeling guilty already and then he adds to it by telling me my daughter hung up on me!! Sorry I gotta go to the cemetary....I will add more later!!! Me and my little bug need to have a chat!!LOL!!!

just a pic. and a few words

2007-03-05T11:58:00.000-05:00

I haven't been on in awhile, haven't had a computer at home to use so I actually have a minute at work right now to catch everyone up!! And to say hi to my little angel girl!! She knows even though I don't post on here, she is always on my mind. Never a second that goes by where I am either not thinking about her or talking to her. She was my life and she will always be.I talk to her somtimes as though she is sitting right there next to me, theres night where I lye in bed and Frank hasn't made it to bed yet and I ask her to come cuddle with me. I know it sounds crazy ut no one can judge....if this is the craziest thing I do from all of this then I think thats pretty damn good!! HAHAHA!!

Whelp I have to get back to work but I wanted to let her know I was thinking of her and I also just wanted to post a picture of her!!

Little Bugger girl!!

2007-02-16T10:27:00.000-05:00

My little bug we miss her so much!! I think about her constantly. I wonder if some people think that over time you forget or there are moments when you don't think about her, but never have I yet to stop thinking of her. I think of her still as often as I did when she was here if not more!! Missing someone sometimes I think is the hardest thing to do in life. Yet missing someone that you know no matter what isn't coming back is that much harder.

Sometimes I come on her blog to just be able to post a picture of her and let her know I am thinking of her and I get here and no matter what I may be feeling there are no words for it or no words that come to me to type. So I may ramble or repeat myself from time to time but I guess that is part of missing someone. It hurts, its the worst hurt in the world. I wouldn't wish it on Osama!! LOL!!

You wonder why these things happen to families like ours. People always say "Amanda, you were a good Mommy to her", and I know I was not just because I was her mommy but also because I knew she and I were best friends and it would have always remained that way as she grew. Getting back to being a good mom,if I was such a good mommy to her why was she taken away from me?? You have people in this world that do drugs while they are pregnant with their children, you have people that don't take care of their children, people that beat their children and people that abandon their children in dumpsters,famous people who do drugs while they are pregnant and then as well as after the fact and never once think about how that child will feel when mommy leaves and won't be around to take care of them....Selfish people. And yet this happens to us..People who took care of their children, take them to the doctors, take them to Sesame place,love them, hold them, kiss them constantly and this happens??Who says we have Guardian angels assigned to us individually..where was my daughters that day??I know mine was their with me because I got strength that night that I never knew I had in me. I never knew that I could keep such control of myself and do what needed to be done that I could look back today and say I tried everything in my power to save my daughter from the Heimlich to CPR, calling 911 and staying calm in front of my son...so calm in front of Alex that when my sister got there to pick him up and asked whats going on, hie response was "ahhh Hailey choked but she will be alright!!" He though his baby sister was coming home that night, do you know what its like to tell a little boy that his sister went to see God and she is not coming home ever again, no matter what he wishes for on his next birthday!! Yup that was the conversation that I have had with Alex numerous times. he knows now, he knows she is gone and watches him everyday from above.

Happy Valentines Day to our Bug!!

2007-02-13T22:36:00.000-05:00

Timmy and Jilly on New Years eve

This was our little Bugs first Halloween!!

Our second Valentines day with out our baby girl!! I am going to go visit her tomorrow morning to drop off her valentines day present!! Not sure if I already talked about it, however I will talk about it again in case I didn't. I was on line at Marshalls and I spotted this cute Valentines day decoration. I picked it up and it had a few lady bugs crawling above letters that spell out "Bugs and Kisses" I cannot wait to bring it own there tomorrow morning and see those pin wheels going nuts as she plays in the snow!! ;)!!

I always have to wonder if she knows and sees all of the things that go on here. You watch movies and hear people's stories however you still wonder. I wonder everyday if she is okay,if she looks down here and misses us,cries for us etc...... The feeling I get is the feeling you would get if your child was locked away from you and just calling your name over and over again,no matter how hard you try you can't find him/her . That's how I feel when I think about if she can see us and what must run through her head. And yet I am her mother and I can't help her nor myself with that feeling other than just hop for the best that she is watching over all of the kids in our family .

I also want to let everyone know that Timothy is home and doing better. They had to send him home with his wound open, however his wonderful mommy, daddy and don't forget that wonderful twin sister he has(cutie pie Jilly) are taking wonderful care of him and last I heard he is doing good!!! Jilly helps her mommy and daddy change his bandages,those two absolutely amaze me. I could sit with Lori all day and listen to her storties about the things they do together. Twins alone are amazing but these two are the best they are too much!!

Ughhh....a sigh of relief

2007-02-07T13:13:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I really wonder if I am making these things happen or ig my baby girl truly giving me the signs that I ask her?? Frank and I basically have decided that we want to have another baby. However we both are still scared at the same time. However lastnight I was sitting on the couch having one of my bad nights histerically crying talking out loud to her. In speaking to her I asked her to give me a sign that she is okay with us having another baby and that the new baby will be safe and healthy. Now let me take you back to another interesting story before I continue this one:Awhile back I had a dream about Hailey and it involved me naming another baby and in my dream Hailey gave me the name. So now going back to the first story I asked Hailey for that sign.... I stopped crying and stopped talking to her and started watching CSI and low and behold the person that happend to be on CSI lastnights name was the name (a different name) that Hailey gave to me. I said thank you baby girl, there is my sign that I asked for. Normally maybe I wouldn't take that as the sign I was asking for however you don't understand the name that Hailey gave to me in my dream is a name that you don't hear to often, it is a very uncommon name. I was so happy for the rest of the night and not because of the good news that she gave me, but because I really think it was her sign to me and that makes me so happy that she heard all of the things I said to her lastnight. She heard me tell her how much I love and miss her, she heard me tell her how much I want to hug and kiss her, she heard me tell her that I want her to come and most important she heard me tell her how sorry I am for not being able to help her that night. She heard me and you have no idea how special that is......................................

Keep Praying

2007-01-30T17:03:00.000-05:00

Please everyone pray harder....This poor little trooper,little Timmy and the rest of our family..He went for surgery and everything went well, however after surgery the other day he started to spike a fever.Today they just figured out why, they have found fluid under his skin and they are getting him ready to go back in for more surgery. This little boy has had more surgery then you could even imagine. Please everyone pray harder than before for this surgery to go smoothly and allow him to heal quickly as a little innocent baby should!! Also say a prayer for the family while they are in Boston Childrens Hospital waiting patiently with his twin sister Jilly.

Hailey please go watch over your cousin he could use your assistance at the moment!!If there is any point where I ask you for something, make this is baby girl: please make him better quickly so they could come home.

I WANT.....................................

2007-01-26T15:51:00.000-05:00

I WANT TO CRY RIGHT NOW I WANT TO GO HOME AND BE ABLE TO TAKE CARE OF HER RIGHT NOW. I WISH I COULD JUST GO HOME AND PLAY WITH HER, FEED HER,HOLD HER, HUG HER ETC... IT HURTS RIGHT NOW ALOT AND I WANT THIS FEELING TO GO AWAY RIGHT NOW!! I CN HEAR HER LAUGHING IN MY HEAD, I CAN SEE HER SMILE, I CAN HEAR HER CALL MY NAME, I CAN HEAR HER YELL AT ALEX, I CAN HEAR HER LITTLE FOOTSTEPS RUN TO THE FRONT DOOR WHEN SHE KNOWS HER DADDY IS HOME. I WANT THOSE THINGS BACK!! AND I WANT THEM BACK RIGHT NOW!!

NORMALCY

2007-01-25T20:08:00.000-05:00

I JUST WANT TO KNOW HOW I USED TO FEEL INSIDE. I FORGET WHO I ONCE WAS.I WANT THIS HURT AND MASS CONFUSION TO GO AWAY. I WANT MY FAMILY BACK TO THE WAY IT ONCE WAS, I CAN'T SAY NORMAL BECAUSE THIS IS NORMAL, THIS IS GOING TO BE NORMAL FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES.
I MISS MY LITTLE BUG. I WENT TO MARSHALLS THE OTHER DAY AND I WAS AT THE CHECK OUT LINE AND A VALENTINES DAY DECORATION CAUGHT MY EYE. IT WAS THE LAST ONE AND I HAD TO BUY IT. IT IS 3 LADY BUGS CLIMBING ACROSS THE TOP OF A BUNCH OF LETTERS THAT READ "BUGS AND KISSES", SO OBVIOUSLY THAT WAS MY SIGN, THAT WAS MY SIGN THAT NOT ONLY DOES SHE WANT ME TO DECORATE FOR VALENTINES DAY FOR HER BUT, SHE WAS LETTING ME KNOW THAT I AM BEING WATCHED BY HER AND SHE MISSES HUGGING AND KISSING US!! I CAN'T WAIT TO GET DOWN THERE TO PUT IT DOWN THERE.
SOMEONE TOOK THE GRAVE BLANKET THAT WE HAD DOWN THERE, ALONG WITH HER CONES FOR THE FLOWERS TO GO IN,THIS BOTHERS ME!!I HATE WHEN PEOPLE TAKE THINGS AWAY THAT THEY HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH. WE AS HER MOM AND DAD PUT THAT DOWN THERE, WHO ARE THEY TO TAKE IT AWAY??IT'S NOT LIKE IT WAS DYING OR ANYTHING!! OKAY I VENTED!!
HOW PATHETIC PICTURE NUMBER ONE IS A PICTURE THAT WE TOOK ON OUR WAY TO TAKING HAILEY TO THE DOCTORS AND PICTURE NUMBER 2 IS A PICTURE OF HER AT THE DOCTORS, HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE PICTURES TO POST OF THEIR CHILDREN AT THE DOCTORS??!! AND THE SADDEST PART IS I HAVE MORE THAN THIS!!ANY YET SHE HAS A SMILE ON HER FACE, AS ALWAYS!! I LOVE YOU BABY!!

YOUR LITTLE ANGEL SERVICES ARE NEEDED BUG!!

2007-01-24T09:14:00.000-05:00

I KNOW YOU KNOW WHERE TO BE RIGHT NOW, AND I CAN ONLY ASSUME YOU ARE THERE WATCHING OVER HIM AND HIS FAMILY. PLEASE MAKE LITTLE TIMMY SAFE DURING HIS SURGERY AND ALLOW HIM TO HEAL QUICKLY AND COME HOME WITHIN A BLINK OF AN EYE!!

PLEASE EVERYONE THAT READS THIS BLOG SAY A PRAYER FOR TIMMY AND HIS FAMILY. THIS IS TIMMY'S LAST SURGERY, AND THEY SAY IT IS GOING TO BE ALONG SURGERY AS WELL AS NOT FUN AFTERWARD FOR THE LITTLE TROOPER!! SO PLEASE MAKE SURE TO TAKE A MINUTE OUT OF YOUR DAY AND KEEP THE MCINERNEY'S IN YOUR THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS!!

IT WAS THE SICKEST THING....

2007-01-19T11:19:00.000-05:00

Lastnight we were watching the movie "Firewall" and in that movie there is a part where the little boy has a peanut allergy and eats a cookie with peanuts in them, needless to say the little buy goes into anaphalantic shock(don't know how to spell that..sorry). The mother was flipping out while her son's lips were turning blue and he was not breathing. She was holding her son and talking to him and God at the same time. I guess knowing that feeling inside and watching this movie lastnight it made everything from that night with Hailey come rushing back. I went hysterical in Frank's shoulder, I was crying like a little kid, hyperventilating and all. I felt that helpless feeling again. Let me tell you, I forgot how I felt that night and now I remember all over again and it is the sickest feeling.

1/16/06;1/16/07 5:08-6:30P.M.

2007-01-18T08:59:00.000-05:00

Where do I begin!! What a day!! We were okay though. We both took off from work and went and did a few things that needed to be done as far as Hailey is concerned. It was sad when 5:08 rolled around. I remember being in my hallway shortly after that giving her CPR and talking to God asking him to please help her thinking she was choking. I remember before they had me do CPR on her, holding her in my arms as she went unconscious. How many people have to experience their children dying in their arms. Her death certificate says she died in the hospital at 6:30, I know better she died at home in her mummy's arms and as hard as that is atleast when she went through that she wasn't alone in a hospital surrounded by people she didn't know.I felt that little girl, our daughter leave this world in my arms. I cannot understand for the life of me why this happened, but it sucks!! The church service the other day I have to say was beautiful!! He did a really nice job!!
As I was driving home from work lastnight, I was thinking how I just wish when I walked through the door she would be there to run into my arms and obviously she wasn't but however when I did get home, I did my first usual thing and let the dog outside forgetting that her Christmas tree is now in my back yard. When I let the dog out I noticed something glowing bright in the back yard and it was her tree glowing bright for the first time since we brought it home from the cemetery. I thought to myself whelp Amanda, theres your greeting!! I called Frank and told him, neither one of us noticed that tree lit since we brought it home, so I know that was Hailey greeting me the only way she could right now!!

YUCKIE DAY,YUCKIE MONTH

2007-01-11T12:30:00.000-05:00

HAVING A REALLY BAD DAY TODAY!! FEEL VERY YUCKIE INSIDE. I COULD PROBABLY SIT HERE AND TYPE ALL DAY WHILE THE TEARS FLOW. I MISS HER, I MISS HER SO MUCH. WHERE IS THIS FAIR?? WHERE IS IT FAIR THAT WE HAVE TO HURT? WHERE IS IT FAIR THAT SHE WAS MY EVERYTHING AND HE JUST TOOK HER AWAY AS THOUGH IT WAS OK OR SOMETHING. I NEED HER, I WISH I COULD WRAP MY ARMS AROUND HER RIGHT NOW. I WISH I COULD JUST EVEN SEE HER TO BLOW HER A KISS. GOD, THIS SUCKS. THIS FEELING IN THE BACK OF MY THROAT AS I TRY TO FIGHT THE TEARS BECAUSE I AM SICK OF CRYING, I AM AT WORK AND DON'T WANT TO DRAW ATTENTION TO MYSELF AS THE TEARS FALL.SO I FIGHT THE TEARS AND IT BURNS MY THROAT, NEVER MIND THE FACT THAT I QUIT SMOKING SO I CAN'T EVEN GO OUTSIDE TO SMOKE A CIGARETTE AND RELIEVE THE STRESS THAT WAY. WHY DID HE MAKE THIS HAPPEN?? WHY COULDN'T HE LET US KEEP HER JUST FOR AWHILE LONGER ATLEAST?? WHY WAS I AT HOME ALONE WHEN THIS HAPPEND WHY COULDN'T FRANK BE THERE WITH ME, IF HE MADE IT HAPPEN ON A SUNDAY FRANK ATLEAST COULD HAVE BEEN THERE. WHY DID IT GO DOWN THE WAY IT DID??
I JUST HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS AND I FIND WHEN I AM HAVING ONE OF THOSE BAD DAYS OF MINE THATS WHEN ALL THE QUESTIONS SURFACE. THANKS FOR LISTENING!!

DON'T FORGET THIS SUNDAY 1/14/2007 AT 2:00 OUR LADY OF THE SNOW,BLUE POINT AVENUE,BLUE POINT, N.Y., 11715 A SPECIAL MEMORIAL MASS FOR OUR LITTLE BUG!!!

HAILEY HAS A NEW COUSIN!!

2007-01-10T17:23:00.000-05:00

GABRIEL JOHN WAS BORN YESTERDAY 1/9/07 HE IS 7 POUNDS 10 OUNCES AND 201/2 INCHES LONG. CONGRATULATIONS JANESSA,JOHN AND SARAH!! AND YES HAILEY HAS A NEW COUSIN, A NEW MEMBER TO THE FAMILY AND I BET YOU ALL ARE THINKING THAT HAILEY AND HER NEW COUSIN NEVERMET, WHELP I THINK I HAVE A WHOLE DIFFERENT THEORY ON THAT. I THINK HAILEY AND GABRIEL MET ALREADY. I THINK HAILEY PICKED HIM OUT FOR JOHN AND JANESSA AND YOU TOO SARAH!! I AM GOING TO THE HOSPITAL TONIGHT SO WHEN I GET HOME I WILL POST HIS LITTLE PICTURE WITH THIS ENTRY!!!

I ALSO WANT TO THANK THAT LITTLE BUG OF OURS ONCE AGAIN FOR MAKING EVERYTHING GO SMOOTH FOR JANESSA AND GIVING JOHN AND JANESSA A BEAUTIFUL HEALTHY(MOST IMPORTANT HANDSOME LITTLE MAN!!)

JANESSA I AM SO SORRY I COULDN'T BE THERE BUT I THINK YOU NEEDED THE MEDICAL ATTENTION MORE THAN I!! LOL!!

JANUARY 14,2007

2007-01-07T19:25:00.000-05:00

I HOPE EVERYONE WILL BE THERE ON THE 14TH!! REMEMBER:2:00 1/14/07, OUR LADY OF THE SNOW CHURCH, BLUE POINT AVENUE, BLUE POINT,N.Y.,11715.

TODAY WE WENT DOWN TO SET EVERYTHING UP WITH THE CHURCH AND IT WAS HARD. THEY ARE PUTTING TOGETHER A REALLY BEAUTIFUL CEREMONY FOR HER THOUGH. I DON'T KNOW WHY WE FEEL THE NEED TO DO THIS BUT WE DO. FOR SOME REASON WHEN THINGS LIKE THIS ARE DONE I FEEL AS THOUGH THIS IS THE ONLY WAY WE CAN GET HER ATTENTION DOWN HERE ON US. I KNOW IT SOUNDS CRAZY BUT IT'S TRUE. I MISS HER MORE AND MORE EACH DAY, WHOEVER TOLD US TIME WILL HEAL, WELL THEY WERE WAY OFF. TIME DOESN'T HEAL, TIME DOESN'T MAKE IT EASIER OR ANY BETTER. TIME JUST GIVES YOU MORE TIME TO THINK,MORE TIME TO REALIZE SHE'S NOT COMING BACK NO MATTER HOW GOOD YOU TRY TO BE. I FEEL LIKE A LITTLE KID SOMETIMES THINKING THAT IF I AM GOOD MAYBE HE WILL GIVE HER BACK TO US. KIND OF LIKE THE SAME EFFECT AS SANTA CLAUS COMING FOR A CHILD, IF THE CHILD IS GOOD HE WILL COME....HAHAHA!!

SHE LEFT ME WITH AN OPEN WOUND, ONE THAT WILL NEVER CLOSE, HEAL ETC... MAYBE NOW AND THEN JUST GET OVERLY INFECTED!! FOR ANYONE THAT KNEW ME AND KNEW HOW I WAS WITH THAT LITTLE BUG YOU KNOW SHE WAS MY WORLD..MY BEST FRIEND. IT WAS A DIFFERENT RELATIONSHIP THAN YOUR TYPICAL MOTHER DAUGHTER RELATIONSHIP. IT WAS LIKE SHE AND I BOTH KNEW SOME HOW OR ANOTHER IT WAS GOING TO BE CUT SHORT. IT WAS LIKE WE COULD LOOK AT ONE ANOTHER AND JUST LIGHT EACH OTHER UP. NEVER DID I FEEL OVERWHELMED WITH HER. I FEEL GUILTY TODAY FOR NOT SPENDING ENOUGH TIME WITH HER. I FEEL LIKE THE FACT THAT I HAD TO WORK, I LOST THAT TIME WITH HER, OR THE TIME I WENT TO THE MALL AT NIGHT, CARLOS'S GRADUATION PARTY I DIDN'T GET TO PUT HER TO BED THAT NIGHT. I JUST WISH THOSE NIGHTS I DIDN'T GO AND DO THE THINGS I DID, AS I WOULD HAVE BEEN HOME WITH MY LITTLE BUG. I LOST TIME,PRECIOUS VALUABLE TIME. SO GOING BACK TO THE WHOLE TIME WORD,IT DOESN'T HEAL I BELIEVE ALL IT'S DOING TO US IS TORTURING US, HOWEVER AS A UNIT WE HAVE LEARNED THE HARD WAY THAT TIME WITH ONE ANOTHER IS PRECIOUS. LIVE FOR THE MOMENT BECAUSE YOU CAN NOT GET ONE HOUR AGO, YESTERDAY, ONE MONTH AGO ETC...BACK AGAIN. IT'S GONE YOU'VE LOST IT!

FRANK HAD A ROUGH DAY TODAY, COMPLETELY MY FAULT AS I READ HIM SOME POEMS TO CHOSE FROM FOR THE CEREMONY. I FEEL TERRIBLE. POOR MAN WENT INTO THE CHURCH WITH ME WITH HIS SUNGLASSES ON. I LOVE HIM MORE THAN ANYTHING. BESIDES THE FACT HE HELPED GIVE ME THE MOST WONDERFUL 23 MONTHS OF MY LIFE BUT ALSO BECAUSE HE IS A WONDERFUL PERSON. HE WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR ALEX AND I. ACTUALLY REALLY HE WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR ANYONE. HE TRULY IS A GOOD PERSON. IF YOU ARE READING THIS FRANK, I AM SORRY FOR MAKING YOU LISTEN TO ALL OF THE POEMS THIS MORNING AND I LOVE YOU!!!

I FOUND ALOT MORE PICTURES OF THE BUG THE OTHER DAY, I JUST HAVE TO SCAN THEM INTO THE COMPUTER AND I CAN START POSTING THEM!!

ARE YOU COMING??

2007-01-03T09:10:00.000-05:00

I WANT TO LET EVERYONE KNOW THAT ON SUNDAY 1/14/07 AT 2:00 WE WILL BE HAVING A CHURCH SERVICE FOR HAILEY AS ONE WAS NOT DONE WHEN SHE PASSED AWAY. WE FEEL WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING MORE IN LIGHT OF HER. IT WILL BE AT THE SAME CHURCH SHE WAS BAPTIZED AT OUR LADY OF THE SNOW, BLUE POINT AVENUE, BLUE POINT, N.Y., 11715. WE WOULD REALLY LIKE IT IF EVERYONE CAME AND JOINED US!! HOPE TO SEE YOU THERE!!

THE NEW YEAR!! WOW!! WHELP WE GOT THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS TOGETHER, AND I MUST SAY WE DID A GOOD JOB FACING EVERY HORRID MOMENT THROUGH THE DAYS WE HAD TO FACE!! THERE ARE POINT WHERE I CAN LOOK AT FRANK AND TELL HE WAS HAVING IT ROUGH AND WE WOULD THEN GO OUTSIDE "TO SMOKE A CIGARETTE TOGETHER" BUT IN ALL REALITY WE WERE GOING OUTSIDE TO HOLD ONE ANOTHER AND BE THERE FOR ONE ANOTHER. I AM SO GLAD THAT WE CAN STILL DO THAT AFTER EVERYTHING WE HAVE HAD TO FACE FOR 2006!! WE CAN ONLY HOPE 2007 WILL BE A BETTER YEAR!! IT IS GOING TO BE HARD ANOTHER YEAR WITH OUT OUR LITTLE BUG BUT SHE WILL ONCE AGAIN PULL US THROUGH IT!! SHE WAS A TOUGH LITTLE COOKIE!!

I FIND IT SO INTERESTING ALL OF THE POSITIVE THAT HAS HAPPENED SINCE SHE LEFT OUR WORLD! LOOK AT MY SISTER, SHE HAD SUCH A HARD TIME TRYING TO CONCEIVE LITTLE GABRIEL. AND POOF ON HAILEY'S BIRTHDAY SHE FOUND OUT SHE WAS PREGNANT AND NOW HER DUE DATE WAS POSSIBLE JUST PUSHED UP TO 1/16/07. TELL ME THE WORK OF THIS WAS NOT DONE BY OUR LITTLE GIRL AND YOU WILL HAVE A LOT OF CONVINCING TO DO!!

WE MISS HER AND WE WILL MISS HER FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES, BUT SHE WILL ALWAYS HOLD A SPECIAL PLACE IN OUR HEARTS AND I HOPE EVERYONE ELSE'S AS WELL. SHE LEFT THIS WORLD FOR A REASON, FOR A REASON WITH OUT NO WARNING. WE MAY NEVER HAVE THE REASON BUT IF WE ALL HOLD HER IN OUR THOUGHTS AND MEMORIES SHE WILL ALWAYS REMAIN HERE WITH US!! WE LOVE YOU BUG FACE!! JUST WISH WE COULD WRAP OUR ARMS AROUND YOU AGAIN!! JUST WISH I COULD HAVE ONE MORE NIGHT OF TUCKING YOU INTO BED AND SINGING YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE TO YOU!! OR PULLING DOWN YOUR SHADES AND HEARING YOU SAY "GOOD NIGHT WORLD"!! WHELP HAILEY MY BABY GOOD NIGHT TO YOU AND LOTS OF HUGS AND KISSES ARE SENT UP TO YOU EVERYNIGHT FROM US!!

My baby girl spent Christmas with Jesus this year!!

2006-12-27T10:08:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas my little angel baby!! I don't know where to begin on how our Holiday went without you!! I can tell you that I made sure I was non-stop and we kept ourselves busy this Holiday!! I don't want you to think for a second though that I wasn't thinking of you the whole way through!! I made sure there was a picture of you in every room that people were in so it was kind of like you could be there!!

It was difficult waking up Christmas morning and knowing someone was missing!! Especially watching Alex open his gifts from Santa on his own. I think what bothered me the most was that ALex didn't even mention his sister Christmas morning, And I know I should be happy about that as he is doing ok with this whole thing and he will get through it alright. But part of me wanted him to mention her at that point as I guess I wanted a reason to be able to fall apart. But I knew he was ok and therefore Frank and I had no choice but to continue remaining strong for Alex!! When does it all end when does all the pain go away or atleast subside?? I can't remember who we once were. Me myself as my own person, Frank and I as a couple, and then the four of us as a unit, now there is only three of us forming that unit and when the holidays come like this it's not the overall holiday that kills inside it's the little things. For example the Christmas lights or decorating the tree. Things that bring back memories of her for that specific Holiday!! But those are also the things that get us through the holidays. Kind of funny how things and your mind work!!
Tis the season I guess right?? Thankful everything went well!!And we were able to get through it alright. Just to kind of give everyone a heads up:possibly the Sunday before 1/16 we will be having a service at Our Lady Of The Snow were Hailey was baptised for Hailey. I will give the exact date and time details after everything is arranged but try and leave that date open if you would like to attend.

All we can do is make the best out of them.......

2006-12-18T12:03:00.000-05:00

As the days go by it seems to get harder, not sure if that is because of the holiday rapidly approaching us or if it is because right after the holiday it will be one year since we lost our little Bug!! I can only tell you that we have our days or atleast I know I do. I can wake up in the morning and feel as though everything will be alright and by the time I start driving to work uncontrollably the tears are falling down my face. The Christmas lights are so difficult to look at as she would be so amazed right now!!
Its funny because this weekend I was at my sisters and Santa Claus came around on the fire truck for the kids, Alex was not with me he was with his dad, and Sarah clung to me. The funny part of the whole thing is that I needed that!! Like I said I didn't have Alex with me and obviously my little girl wasn't there. Everyone from the Fire Dept. came into Janessa and John's house to kick a few back and eat some food, while everyone was hanging out Sarah was playing shy and just hung on me, she wanted to be in my arms at all times and if she wasn't in my arms we were playing hide-n-go-seek. Like I said I needed that, I felt like maybe besides my niece just loving her auntie Amanda maybe it was Hailey making her do that, to put me at ease knowing that this house full of people knew what happened to Hailey, and I was feeling so uneasy because they knew that Hailey was there last year to see Santa come through and you feel people look at you as though they don't know what to say, so the fact that Sarah was the way she was, was so awesome!! I love that little God Daughter of mine!! I had alot of fun with her this weekend!! Can't wait to give her all those presents we bought her!!LOL!!! I find now since everything happened I rather hang with the kids lately, I attach myself to them instantly and that was so never me!! We found in the ornament Christmas box this year a project Hailey did in daycare and it has her picture in the middle of it. This picture is so who Hailey truly was, her pigtails look like she must have ripped them out twenty times that day, her hair is greasy with chicken nugget grease in it, and she looks absolutely exhausted from playing all day with the other kids!! But yet there is that gleaming smile and Janessa, she has that twinkle in those eyes!! You look at this project on the front of my refrigerator and you have no choice to cry for so many different emotions. The first is happiness because that smile is just a smile that can tell you everything is alright, and then hurt because you so badly want to wrap your arms around her and squeeze, then you have this gut wrenching feeling of Oh My God, because there is that twinkle, there is that smile with those pudgy cheeks and to top it all off she is wearing the outfit that she is wearing today!! The only thing missing is her Angel wings!!

Merry Christmas from Heaven

2006-12-04T15:10:00.000-05:00

Someone very near and dear gave me a Christmas ornament this year and this is the poem it came with:

I still hear the songs
I still see the lights
I still feel your love
on the cold wintery nights

I still share your hopes
and all of your cares
I'll even remind you
to please say your prayers

I just want to tell you
you still make me proud
You stand head and shoulders above all the crowd

Keep trying each moment
to stay in his grace
I came here before you
to help set your place

You don't have to be
perfect all of the time
He forgives you the slip
If you continue the climb

To my family and friends
Please be thankful today
I'm still close beside you
in a new special way

I love you all dearly
now don't shed a tear
Cause I'm spending my
Christmas with Jesus this year

(I had to do this picture again because it just brings me back to when I taught her how to make that face and stick her tongue out with food on it!! Just like someone once taught me and you know who you are!!) look at that face and those teeth and can still feel those teeth nailing me in the mouth when she would go to kiss me!! I can still feel it and yet I can't, I just need to feel that again!! And I never will, that hurts that hurts more than anything in the world. It's not like she is away or lost she is gone and there is no way to change that ever!! I still have this lump in my throat that every once in awhile it flares up where it almost hurts my throat and then the tears come, I never had that feeling before until all of this. I think this all really did some changes on me not just emotionally and mentally but physically as well!!

World Wide Candle Lighting

2006-12-01T09:19:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to let everyone know that December 10,2006 is world wide candle lighting day. At 7:00P.M. for all who know or have lost a child please light a candle on that day at 7:00P.M. Light a candle for the children who have died so that their light may always shine!! When you log onto www.compassionatefriends.com you can see that this is being done around the globe on that day at that time. I will be putting my candle outside so Hailey can see!! Light your candles at 7:00 and let them burn for one hour!! Thank You!!!!!

Things I Need To Say......

2006-11-28T10:28:00.000-05:00

God Bug!! I miss you so much!! I just wish I could hold you and love you for a little bit longer!! I look at pictures of you and I can't wrap myself around any of this. I can't figure out if we did something or didn't do enough for you? Was it something genetic? Was it something between Daddy and I that just doesn't mix? I can't under stand how or why, but there I go again torturing myself because these answers I will never have. Alex and I were talking in the doctors office lastnight and I asked him what he was getting me for Chrsitmas and he told me he got it already, I asked him if he was getting you back for me and he said "Mommy I ask everynight for us to have her back". I then asked him if he had you here today, what would he do with you, and his reply was" I would play with her until she fell asleep with me!!" I picture the two of you playing in the new house together and it sucks that your not here anymore!! AWhy did you leave bug?? Why?? You completed us all!! We are sorting through things with someone trying to get answers for this Bug, don't think for a second we are just accepting this without a fight because we won't!! You should know us better than that ecspecially that Daddy of yours!! He feels helpless that he can't get you back for me and Alex never mind himself!! You know him would do anything for the three of us at all times and I know this has to be driving him nuts that he is completely not in control of this one!! I think since you left us though you have made alot of positive things happen for us and I do appreciate that however I would much rather have you back though!! =) But I'm sure you know that!! I hope you like that Christmas tree, I can picture you just staring at it with that gleam and glitter in your eyes!! Anything you were interested and enjoyed looking at you always had that gleam and glow in those beautiful angel eyes of yours!! I need you to come and let us know that Christmas eve you are there with us all as well as Christmas morning!! There will be present sunder the tree for you with your name on them!! I promise!! I miss you baby girl!! Starting to go cross eyed now. Can't see the keyboard..I love you baby!! Oh wait forgot to tell you, I had a license plate made up for the truck, it says mismybug!!

2006-11-27T16:02:00.000-05:00

Hello everyone!! Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving!!
Our's was great!! Janessa put together a great feast!! Good job Nessa!! I'm sure Hailey was there playing with the kids and snatching the cookies from under the table without us all even knowing!! It's funny because I guess from staying at Janessa's after everything happend, I feel like when I am there for some kind of function and the family is there, I feel as though Frank, Alex and I are that much closer to Hailey as though she knew we were staying there and thats now where she is and where she goes. It's funny how our minds work-huh? Sorry Nessa but you can never move you are stuck there!! LOL!! We all had a wonderful holiday and know how to make the best out of what we were dealt in life!! Which I guess is a good thing.. what hurts us today only makes us stronger tomorrow..right?? However moving on from Thanksgiving Sunday night was not a good night for some reason, everyone on my block did there Christmas lights between Saturday and Sunday and SUnday night they all turned them on.. I went outside and tears just raced down as I saw all these families out front showing their little ones the lights!! I know in my heart of hearts she would have flipped seeing all of those lights!! Janessa went and bought the Christmas tree for down by Hailey and my mom found the solar Christmas tree lights for outside and we all decorated her tree and brought it down to her!! Frank was pushing it out to the car on the hand truck when one of the ornaments fell off and you will never guess who fell off the........No one other than the wonderous Boots!!She loved him she was like hey where you taking him, I want to play with him!! That made us all feel good!! We did the tree no other way than how she wanted it!! One night this week you all should take a ride down there and check out the tree in the dark, it looks beautiful!! Bring an ornament if you want, feel free to stick it on, if you can find room!! LOL!! She would love it!! She liked the Christmas balls too, She loved the lights though as you can see from the picture I will be posting with this!! She was amazing!!

HAPPY TURKEY DAY BUG!!

2006-11-23T12:45:00.000-05:00

WE WOKE UP THIS MORNING AND STARTED WATCHING THE THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE, WHELP THAT WAS THE START OF THE GLORIOUS HOLIDAYS HEADING OUR WAY!! THE FIRST CHANNEL WE STARTED WATCHING IT ON HAD LAURIE BERKNER PERFORMING THE BUMBLE BEE SONG. WHELP IMMEDIATELY BROUGHT TEARS TO MY EYES AND THAT FOLKS IS HOW OUR FIRST THANKSGIVING BEGAN WITH OUT HAILEY BUG. I'M GOING TO GO NOW BECAUSE I HAVE TO GET ALEX AND FRANK READY AND MOVING!! HAILEY BUG HAVE A HAPPY THANKSGIVING AND MAKE SURE YOU STOP IN AT JANESSA'S TO PLAY WITH THE KIDS!! I LOVE YOU BABY GIRL AND WE WILL BE DOWN THERE TO SEE YOU IN A LITTLE WHILE, IT WOULD BE NICE IF YOU CAN MAE THE RAIN STOP FOR A BRIEF MOMENT!!MISS YOU BUG!

IT'S A BAD DAY

2006-11-17T13:03:00.000-05:00

I DON'T KNOW WHY BUT I AM HAVING A BAD DAY TODAY. I HAVE THIS KNOT IN MY STOMACH THAT WILL NOT GO AWAY AND I AM FEARING THE WINTER ACTUALLY COMING. IT'S JUST THIS FEELING THAT IS SO UNEXPLAINABLE THAT CAN JUST TAKE THE LIFE OUT OF YOU. IT BRINGS ME TO A POINT WHERE I FEEL LIKE EVERYTHING IS HAPPENING ALL OVER AGAIN. IT'S AS IF I AM BACK IN THE HOUSE ON MY KNEES IN THE HALLWAY GIVING MY LITTLE GIRL CPR, YET KNOWING IN THE BACK OF MY MIND IT WASN'T HELPING HER SHE NEEDED SOMETHING MORE, AND THEN THE OTHER FEELING COMES WHERE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU YOURSELF DID SOMETHING WRONG. I REMEMBER WHEN THE COP GOT THERE AND HAD TO GO BACK OUTSIDE BY HIS CAR AGAIN AND I CAN STILL HEAR MYSELF SCREAMING AS HE TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK OUTSIDE "NO, DON'T LEAVE ME!!" THAT NIGHT IS VAGUE BUT THERE ARE THINGS THAT AREN'T VAGUE ABOUT IT. I REGRET NOT TRYING HARDER, I REGRET NOT YELLING AT THE DOCTORS WHEN I WANTED TO BUT FELT LIKE IF I DID THEY WOULD NOT TRY AS HARD TO SAVE HER, I REGRET NOT YELLING AND SCREAMING AT THE AMBULANCE PEOPLE OR THE COPS THAT WERE AT MY HOUSE. I JUST REMEMBER THINKING TO MYSELF THAT IF I REMAINED CALM IT WOULD ONLY HELP MY DAUGHTER BECAUSE THEN THEY COULD FOCUS MORE ON HER AND SAVING HER. I REMEMBER PRAYING IN THE FRONT SEAT OF THE AMBULANCE FOR GOD TO PLEASE MAKE EVERYTHING RIGHT AND HELP MY LITTLE GIRL. I CAN REMEMBER THINKING TO MYSELF SHOULD I CALL FRANK OR DO I WAIT AND GET TO THE HOSPITAL, DO I ASK FOR THE AMBULANCE DRIVERS CELL PHONE SITTING AT HIS WAIST OR DO I NOT DISTRACT HIM AS THE ROADS WERE SO ICY THAT NIGHT. I CAN REMEMBER THINKING WHILE WE WERE DRIVING TO BROOKHAVEN THAT PEOPLE ALWAYS TOLD ME BROOKHAVEN IS NOT EQUIPPED FOR PEDIATRIC TRAUMA DO I DEMAND THEM TO TAKE MY DAUGHTER SOME WHERE ELSE. SO MANY THINGS FLASH BEFORE YOUR EYES WHEN SOMETHING LIKE THIS HAPPENS BUT NOT ONCE ON THE WAY TO THAT HOSPITAL DID I THINK I WAS GOING TO LEAVE THERE WITH OUT HER. I THOUGHT WELL MAYBE THEY WILL ACTUALLY NOW TRY AND FIGURE OUT WHATS WRONG WITH HER INSTEAD OF TAKING THE SITUATION SO LIGHTLY. BUT NO, I LEFT THE HOSPITAL WITH OUT MY DAUGHTER THAT NIGHT, NOT ONLY DID I LEAVE MY LITTLE GIRL BEHIND BUT I DIDN'T GET TO SAY GOOD-BYE I HAD TO TRY AND SAVE HER LIFE AND THEN FROM THERE DEAL WITH DETECTIVES AND DOCTORS WHO THOUGHT I DID SOMETHING TO MY LITTLE GIRL. WHILE I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IN SAYING GOOD BYE TO HER WITH THE REST OF MY FAMILY I GOT TO SIT WITH A DETECTIVE WHILE THE OTHER ONE WAS IN MY HOUSE SEARCHING IT. I HAD TO TELL THE DETECTIVE IN MY HOUSE WHERE THE BLANKET WAS THAT HAILEY VOMITED ON THE NIGHT BEFORE. I AM NOT FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF RIGHT NOW.OR MAYBE I AM BECAUSE IT'S JUST A BAD DAY!! I LOOK AROUND AND SEE WINTER IS COMING WHICH MEANS JANUARY IS COMING WHICH MEANS ONE YEAR HAS GONE BY AND STILL THERE IS NO CLOSURE TO THIS, WILL THERE EVER BE? I SEE THE LEAFS AND THAT REMINDS ME OF ONEDAY WHEN I LEFT WORK EARLY TO GET HER TO THE DOCTORS AND I PULLED UP HAILEY AND MY MOM WERE OUTSIDE PLAYING WITH THE LEAFS TOGETHER. HAILEY SPOTTED ME AND CAME RUNNING OVER WITH THE LEAF IN HER HAND SO EXCITED TO SHOW ME THAT SHE WAS HOLDING A LEAF. I REMEMBER SHE GOT UPSET BECAUSE I WOULDN'T LET HER HOLD THE LEAF IN THE BACK SEAT AFRAID SHE WOULD PUT IT IN HER MOUTH AND SHE GOT SO UPSET, I JUST WISH I WOULD HAVE LET HER HOLD THAT LEAF. I THOUGHT I WAS DOING THE RIGHT THING, THINKING THERE WOULD BE PLENTY OF MORE LEAFS FOR HER TO HOLD WHEN I DIDN'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT HER PUTTING THEM IN HER MOUTH. YOU DON'T THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS WHEN YOUR CHILDREN ARE STILL HERE, BUT BEFORE YOU TELL YOUR CHILD NO REALLY THINK ABOUT WHAT YOUR SAYING BECAUSE IN ALL ACTUALITY IT MAY NOT EVEN REALLY BE A BIG DEAL.

GIGGLES

2006-11-13T14:41:00.000-05:00

LOOK AT THAT FACE!! I MUST SAY SHE WAS TRULY A BEAUTIFUL LITTLE GIRL! PERSONALITY WAS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!! SHE COULD BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY WITH OUT EVEN TRYING!!I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY HE WOULD TAKE HER. SOMEONE SO POSITIVE TO THE WORLD WE ARE IN TODAY!! MAYBE THAT'S WHY MAYBE SHE WAS TOO GOD FOR THIS WORLD!! I WONDER WHAT SHE'S DOING RIGHT NOW, OR BETTER YET I WONDER WHAT SHE WOULD BE DOING RIGHT NOW IF SHE WAS STILL HERE?? SHE WAS A TRUE MIRACLE! ANYONE WHO GOT TO EXPERIENCE HER FIRST HAND COULD ONLY AGREE!! I MISS HEARING HER LITTLE FEET RUN THROUGH THE HOUSE OR HER LITTLE VOICE SAYING "UP, UP MOMMY"!! SHE WAS SOMETHING ELSE!! IN THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE THEY ALL LOVED HER SHE WOULD MAKE THEM ALL LAUGH ALL OF THE TIME!! I GUESS SHE JUST FEEL THROUGH THE CRACKS ON THEM THOUGH. WHICH IS COMPLETELY NOT FAIR!! FOR ANYONE WHO HAS SEEN BEECHES DID YOU KNOW THAT HILLARY DIED IN THAT MOVIE FROM THE SAME THING HAILEY DID, DID YOU ALSO KNOW IN THAT MOVIE THEY SING YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE AND I USED TO SING THAT SONG TO HER EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. WE NEVER MISSED A NIGHT WITH THAT SONG, BUT LOOK HOW FAR THAT GOT ME!! YOU ASK FOR YOUR SUNSHINE ON A DAILY BASIS TO NEVER BE TAKEN AWAY AND THEN POOF!! IT'S GONE!! SHE WAS MY SUNSHINE AND WHEN THE SUN OR THE MOON COMES OUT THAT'S OUR LITTLE HAILEY!! ASK SARAH SHE'LL TELL YOU WHICH STAR SHE IS AT NIGHT!! I TRULY BELIEVE KIDS, THE INNOCENT KNOW ALOT MORE ABOUT THIS THEN WE DO. SARAH HAS COME OUT WITH SOME STUFF WHERE SHE TELLS YOU THINGS THAT HAILEY SAYS TO HER SINCE EVERYTHING IN JANUARY!!

THINKING BACK

2006-11-06T23:06:00.000-05:00

YOU THINK BACK TO THOSE DAYS AND WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT TODAY SHE WOULDN'T BE HERE WITH US...THAT WAS ONE OF THE HAPPIEST DAYS OF MY LIFE AND I NEVER THOUGHT FOR A SECOND THAT SOMEONE COULD TAKE HER AWAY FROM ME. I ALWAYS THOUGHT I WAS SUCH A GOOD MOMMY AND I WATCHED MY CHILDREN LIKE A HAWK AND I DID NOTHING BUT TRY TO INSTILL THE BEST IN THEM TO ALWAYS MAKE THE BEST DECISIONS IN LIFE. BUT NOW I SEE, NOW I SEE THAT EVEN BEING A MOMMY YOU DON'T HAVE CONTROL OVER EVERYTHING! I REMEMBER THAT DAY, I REMEMBER JUST LOOKING AT HER AND THINKING I CANNOT BELIEVE SHE IS MINE, I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAVE MY VERY OWN LITTLE GIRL. SOMEONE WHO IS GOING TO GROW UP AND BE MY BEST FRIEND AS I WITH MY MOM.THAT WAS STOLEN FROM ME!! ONEDAY I WOKE UP IN THE MORNING AND FOLLOWED MY DAILY ROUTINE AND TOOK MY LITTLE GIRL TO THE DOCTORS TO ONLY COME HOME TO A NIGHTMARE. THE NEXT MORNING AFTER THAT NIGHT I SWORE I WAS GOING TO WAKE UP AND NOT BE AT MY SISTERS, I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO WAKE UP AND FIND THIS ALL TO BE A DREAM. NOPE... I DID, I WOKE UP AT MY SISTERS AND REMEMBER LOOKING OUT HER SKY LIGHT IN THE LIVING ROOM BEFORE ANYONE ELSE WAS AWAKE AND THOUGHT TO MYSELF AS A SIEGEL FLEW OVER I WONDER IF SHE'S UP THERE LOOKING DOWN RIGHT NOW?THATS WHEN I HEARD EVERYONE IN THE HOUSE WAKE UP, I HEARD THEM LET THE DOG OUT AND THATS WHEN I REALIZED LIFE IS STILL GOING ON. I THINK I THOUGHT BECAUSE WE LOST HAILEY LIFE WAS GOING TO STOP FOR US ALL. IT'S ALMOST LIKE THAT IS WHAT I WAS HOPING FOR. REALLY THINK ABOUT THIS AND GIVE ME A BETTER ANSWER THEN WHAT OTHERS HAVE GIVEN: IF ONEDAY YOU CAME HOME FROM WORK AND TOOK YOUR CHILD TO THE DOCTORS AND RETURNED HOME FOR NOT EVEN ONE HOUR AND NEXT THING YOU KNOW WHILE FEEDING YOUR CHILDREN DINNER YOUR ON THE FLOOR GIVING CPR TO YOUR CHILD WHO THEN DIES IN YOUR ARMS ON THAT VERY FLOOR , HOW DOES LIFE GO ON?? HOW DO WE DO THIS GUYS, AND I DON'T MEAN JUST ME, I MEAN ALL OF US.ANYONE OF US WHO HAILEY TOUCHED!! THE ONLY THING I HAVE COME TO A POINT OF IS THAT I LIVE EVERY DAY FOR HER, I WAKE UP IN THE MORNING AND SHE IS THE FIRST THING ON MY MIND, I GET TO WORK AND SHE IS THE FIRST THING ON MY MIND, I EAT LUNCH AND SHE IS ALL THAT IS ON MY MIND ETC... I CANNOT FATHOM WHAT IT IS THAT WE DID TO DESERVE THIS, WHAT IT IS THAT ANYONE DOES TO DESERVE SUCH A NIGHTMARE!! I JUST TRY AND PICTURE HER RUNNING INTO THE KITCHEN OR WHAT T WOULD BE LIKE TO HAVE HE HERE IN THE NEW HOUSE. WOULD SHE LIKE IT HERE, WE ALL KNOW HOW HAILEY LOVED TO BE HOME!! SHE WAS MY LITTLE HERMIT AND I REALLY HAVE TO SAY SHE TURNED ME INTO A HERMIT. SHE LOVED TO BE HOME, SHE WANTED TO BE HOME IN HER LIVINGROOM WITH HER TOYS SPREAD OUT ALL OVER THE FLOOR WITH THE TV ON!! THAT MADE HER DAY!! OH AND SHE LOVED SUNDAYS SHE KNEW WHERE TO FIND FRANK SITTING AT THE KITCHEN COUNTER WATCHING TV AND SHE WOULD GO IN THERE AND MUNCH ON WHATEVER HE WAS STUFFING IN HIS MOUTH OR SHE WOULD BRING ONE BY ONE HER TOYS INTO THE BACKROOM TO PLAY WITH THEM, JUST TO BE CLOSER TO HER DADDY. BUT THEN SHE WOULD HERE LORI BERKNER COME ON TV AND SING " I GOT A SONG IN MY TUMMY" AND SHE WOULD GO FLYING BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM TO WATCH ALL THE LITTLE KIDS ON TV. SHE LOVED KIDS, SHE LOVED WATCHING THEM, SHE LOVED PLAYING WITH THEM. NOW I TRULY BELIEVE HAILEY IS UP THERE TRYING TO MAKE THE BEST FOR THESE ILL CHILDREN THA ARE DOWN HERE AND IF SHE CAN'T SEEM TO FIND THE WAY TO HELP I SAY HE AS THE GATE WAITING TO GREET THEM AND SHOW THEM AROUND!!

2006-11-01T17:24:00.000-05:00

HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO MY LITTLE ANGEL CUTIE PIE!! WE MISSED HAVING YOU TRICK OR TREAT WITH US!!WE LOVE YOU BABY GIRL!! I KNOW WE DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE WITH US LASTNIGHT BUT I KNOW YOU WERE THERE WITH US WITH YOUR LITTLE ANGEL WINGS ON!!

'TIS THE SEASON!!

2006-10-23T13:40:00.000-04:00

Whelp here come the holidays...... We will be okay though, our little Hailey will get us through them torture free I have faith in her!! I am almost positive she will make or do something to make the Holidays wonderful in memory of her!! I live everyday of my life for my daughter. I am so careful of who I am, the things I do,and the things I say as I know my daughter who once was here and was able to love and love me is looking down watching every move I make. I make sure that the things I do are correct to make sure I end up with her in the end of it all. She made me and will continue to make me who I am for the rest of my life. Everyday, every moment that little girl is on my mind. Everything I see, touch, hear is some kind of reminder of our little bug!! The picture that I am going to attempt to post with this entry was this time of year last yeat, just last year I was pumpkin picking with my two children. This year there is a big part missing. She had so much fun. She was dancing, she got to see the toy trains all over the place, she got to pick up her own mini pumpkin, she danced to the band that they had playing there, and she also got to do a hayride. I am so thankful for the memories that I have. I get so angry that he took her away from us and then I stop and remind myself how I am still one up on him, I have those memories that no matter what cannot be stolen away from me. So he may have a big piece of me but he doesn't have what I have and thats those awesome happy memories!!It hurts, it hurts everyday. There isn't a day where my eyes don't fill up with tears. This weekend we were driving to the store and there was a really bad accident.A car hit a motorcycle and by the time we got to the seen, the cops were all over the road was shut doen and all you saw was the motorcycle bent in half. A year ago I would have thought to myself how sad and continued my day, however yesterday seeing that it was like I felt that families pain and as I looked around and saw all of the cops and ambulances etc.. it brought tears to my eyes. Beisdes the cops and sirens triggering my own memories but also why should any family have to experience a young loss?? Is taking the old and sick not good enough? Why does he have to take the young and innocent??

Couldn't get the picture on for some reason blogger has been giving a hard time with uploading pictures!! Sorry I will try again later!!

Pumpkin time.....................

2006-10-03T15:22:00.000-04:00

Not sure how this halloween is going to be. I am almost scared to walk into a costume store to get Alex's costume. I knew what I was going to make Hailey for halloween this year.Even pumpkin picking I don't want to do it but I have to. I look at the people accrossed the street from me and they get to take their two year old pumpkin picking this year and they are so excited about it, where is this fair. Where is it fair that I have to pick my chin up and take Alex to the pumpkin farms and see a ton of other people with their little ones and I don't have mine. I am not asking for something to happen to all of these other children just give me mine back. I wanna see her run through the corn stalk maze and sit on the pumpkins. I want to see her pick up the rotten apple on the ground and get it all over her hands.I want my time back with my little girl and I can't get it. I only hope people see what they have in life. I will never ask why me but I can whine and moan and cry about it!!!!I took her lastyear to the pumkin field and she had a blast, I don't know what its going to be like this year and that scares me!!

AFTER SHOCK....................

2006-09-29T09:58:00.000-04:00

I NEED TO TALK ABOUT MY LOSS. I MAY OFTEN FEEL THE NEED TO TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED--OR TO ASK YOU WHY IT HAPPENED. I MAY FREQUENTLY NEED FOR YOU TO LISTEN WHILE I EXPLAIN WHAT THIS LOSS MEANS TO ME. EACH TIME I DISCUSS MY LOSS, I AM HELPING MYSELF FACE REALITY OF THE DEATH OF HAILEY. I NEED TO KNOW THAT YOU CARE ABOUT ME. I NEED TO FEEL YOUR TOUCH,YOUR HUGS. I NEED YOU TO JUST BE WITH ME. AND I NEED TO BE WITH YOU. I NEED FOR YOU TO BELIEVE IN ME AND IN MY ABILITY TO GET THROUGH THIS GRIEF IN MY OWN WAY--AND IN MY OWN TIME. PLEASE DON'T JUDGE ME NOW--OR THINK THAT I'M BEHAVING STRANGELY. REMEMBER I'M GRIEVING. I MAY BE IN SHOCK. I MAY FEEL AFRAID. I MAY FEEL DEEP RAGE. I MAY EVEN FEEL GUILTY THAT I COULDN'T SAVE HAILEY. BUT ABOVE ALL, I HURT. I AM EXPERIENCING A PAIN UNLIKE ANY I'VE EVER FELT BEFORE. DON'T BE CONCERNED IF YOU THINK I'M GETTING BETTER AND THEN SUDDENLY I SEEM TO SLIP BACKWARD AGAIN.GRIEF MAKES ME BEHAVE THIS WAY AT TIMES. AND PLEASE DON'T TELL ME YOU KNOW JUST HOW I FEEL OR THAT IT'S TIME FOR ME TO GET ON WITH MR LIFE. I AM PROBABLY ALREADY SAYING THAT TO MYSELF. I JUST NEED FOR YOU TO BE PATIENT NOW AND TRY TO UNDERSTAND. FINALLY, ALLOW ME THE TIME I NEED TO GRIEVE AND TO RECOVER. I WANT TO GET ON WITH MY LIFE--BUT I KNOW THAT I FIRST MUST WALK THROUGH THE DARK SHADOWS OF MY GRIEF. AND ALTHOUGH IT IS ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO BELIEVE THIS NOW, I KNOW THAT ONEDAY MY GRIEF WILL END. MOST OF ALL THANK YOU FOR BEING MY FRIEND. THANK YOU FOR CARING,FOR HELPING,FOR UNDERSTANDING. THANK YOU FOR PRAYING FOR ME. AND REMEMBER, IN THE DAYS OR YEARS AHEAD-AFTER YOU MAY HAVE A LOSS-WHEN YOU NEED ME AS I HAVE NEEDED YOU, I WILL UNDERSTAND, AND THEN I WILL COME AND BE WITH YOU.

Unanswered Questions

2006-09-28T12:13:00.000-04:00

I was talking to someone who lost her daughter 35 years ago, and in listening to her I can tell she still has the pain from it all, not only the pain but the anger as well. I don't feel angry, I am upset and hurt but haven't gotten to the anger stage. I just can't bring myself to feel angry with anything to do with her. Who are you supposed to be angry with? If someone was really up there looking over us this wouldn't of happend, so who do you get angry with and blame??? Anyway in talking to her, she was saying how after her daughter passed she still had to raise her other daughter, but she always had this outlook that once she was done raising the other daughter she was done and she would then die to go be with the other daughter that passed and then one morning she woke up to find herself going to her daughters college graduation and said to herself what am I still doing here? I find it weird that she said those words to me, because no matter how dreary that may sound I almost thought the same way, that once I finished raising Alex and he got married and had a life f his own I was done and I could go be with her. But now I realize not that I didn't before but that that is not going to happen. It's weird and hard to explain but when I guess something like this happens you start to get many outlooks on life and how its going to proceed for us. Lastnight Frank and I got on the conversation of another baby and he said to me that he needs more of a morning period, I explained to him that he needs to realize that the sadness we feel is never going to go away not in a year , not in ten years etc... He just looked at me funny, so I said "scarry-huh?" Of course I got no response from him, we know men!!! I just don't know wht to do, I am scared, I am scared that it could happen again, I am scarred that I would be narotic mess with another one, I don't know I guess I need to talk to a doctor, someone who could tell me this was not genetic, that they will watch the babies heart like a hawk!! It's scarry!!WE have some thinking to do. And then I wonder would that make Hailey sad, would it make her think we have forgotten her? It hurts to know that she would look down and have to see that. I can't imagine making her feel sad that she can't be with us. Does she want to be with us right now or does she not know we even exist down here? what's it like for her? We are all sad and lacking her presence here, but whats it like for my 22 month old daughter not to have her mommy, daddy and brother with her anymore? Who's taking care of her? So many unanswered questions for a momand I will never have the answers. I can't deal with that part!!

I do have more pictures of her but for some reason blogger won't let me put them in, it will take photos that I have already used but new ones it won't work. I will keep trying though!! Sorry!!

PIN WHEEL, PIN WHEEL SPINNIN AROUND.....

2006-09-19T11:38:00.000-04:00

I WENT TO THE CEMETERY YESTERDAY MORNING TO VISIT THE LITTLE BUG AND LIKE USUAL AS I APPROACHED THE PIN WHEELS STARTED SPINNING. BASICALLY LETS FRANK AND I KNOW IF SHE IS THERE WITH US OR NOT. SO AS I APPROACHED AND SAW THEM SPINNING I GOT EXCITED!! AS I SAT DOWN THERE I WAS TALKING TO HER. NEXT THING I KNEW I WAS ASKING HER QUESTIONS AND AS I ASKED THE QUESTIONS THE PIN WHEEL WOULD SPIN AND THEN STOP SPINNING, SO I TOOK IT AS WHEN THE PIN WHEEL DIDN'T SPIN THAT WAS A NO AND WHEN IT DID SPIN THAT WAS A YES!! I KNOW CALL ME CRAZY BUT I SWEAR THIS IS WHAT WAS HAPPENING!! I ASKED HER IF SHE MISSES US AND THE PIN WHEEL STARTED SPINNING, I THEN ASKED HER IF SHE KNEW HOW MUCH WE MISSED HER AND AGAIN THE PIN WHEEL STARTED SPINNING. I THEN ASKED HER IF SHE WOULD BE UPSET IF MOMMY AND DADDY DECIDED TO HAVE ANOTHER BABY AND THE PIN WHEEL DIDN'T SPIN SO I TOOK IT AS A NO, I THEN ASKED HER IF I WERE TO HAVE ANOTHER BABY IF IT WOULD BE HER AND AGAIN THE PIN WHEEL DID NOT SPIN, WHELP THAT'S WHEN I STARTED CRYING BECAUSE OUT OF ALL OF THE QUESTIONS I ASKED I SO WANTED THE PIN WHEEL TO SPIN ON THAT ONE!! FINALLY I ASKED HER IF SHE COULD HELP ME CONVINCE THAT DADDY OF HERS TO WANT ANOTHER BABY RIGHT NOW AND AGAIN THE PIN WHEEL DID NOT SPIN, AND I KNOW WHAT SHE WAS THINKING ON THAT ONE, I CANNOT CONVINCE THAT THICK HEADED MAN TO DO ANYTHING MA!!! =) HAHAHA!! I LEFT THE CEMETERY THAT DAY FEELING LIKE I ACCOMPLISHED A LITTLE MORE WITH HER, I LEFT THERE ALMOST FEELING LIKE I REALLY GOT TO SPEND SOME GOOD QUALITY TIME WITH HER, I KNOW IT SOUNDS WEIRD BUT IT MADE ME FEEL GOOD, I GUESS!! I MISS HER AND I WILL TAKE WHAT I CAN GET OUT OF THE LITTLEST AND MOST CRAZY MINDED THINGS!! I GO OUTSIDE AT NIGHT AND TALK TO THE MOON, I GO OUTSIDE AT NIGHT TO SEE IF I CAN HEAR HER THROUGH THE CRICKETS OR THE BIRDS DURING THE DAY. WHEN I AM DOWN VISITING HER I LOOK TO SEE AS I AM LEAVING IF THE WIND IS BLOWING ALMOST THROUGH ME TO SEE IF IT'S HER!! WHEN THE BOARD FELL AT THE LUAU IT WAS AGAIN ONE OF THOSE TIMES WHEN I WAS ABLE TO FEEL LIKE I SPENT SOME ADDITIONAL TIME WITH HER! I JUST WANT HER BACK, I WANT MY LITTLE HAILEY BUG BACK. I LOOK AT THE LITTLE GIRL STEPHANIE ACROSS THE STREET FROM ME AND I SO KNOW THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN WONDERFUL FRIENDS, STEPHANIE ALSO MAKES ME GO HOME AT NIGHT WANTING ANOTHER CHILD SO BAD, IS THAT NORMAL OR IS THAT ME TRYING TO REPLACE WHAT I LOST EVEN THOUGH I KNOW THAT LITTLE BUG OF OURS COULD NEVER BE REPLACED????HOW DO WE KNOW IF WE HAVE ANOTHER CHILD THIS ISN'T GOING TO HAPPEN AGAIN?? MAYBE THE MEDICAL EXAMINER WAS WRONG IN HER FINAL REPORT AND IT IS SOMETHING GENETIC, MAYBE IT'S SOMETHING THAT IS JUST GOING TO CONTINUE TO HAPPEN, WE CANNOT GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN!!HOW DO I KNOW IF IT IS SAFE FOR US TO MOVE FORWARD ON A DECISION?? I'M SCARED YET SO BADLY WANT TO MOVE FORWARD AND TRY AGAIN JUST TO GET A PIECE OF HER BACK.

The Childrens Foundation Of Suffolk Inc.

2006-09-11T17:37:00.000-04:00

Whelp this pat weekend was the annual luau for the Childrens Foundation and this year it was in memory of Hailey Bug!! It was awesome!! We were able to give $10,000.00 to each of the three families!! I made a board with a little bio on what happend to Hailey and put a bunch of pictures on the board of the bug. We did a moment of silence for Hailey, during the moment of silence her board went flying off the eisel, it was her saying "silence, guys I never sat in silence!!" You can call me crazy but I truly believe that was her letting us know she was there with us!! It made me happy to know she was there!! I miss her so much!! People who found out about Hailey asked me why am I doing what I do on the foundation, and I don't do it because I can get glory or ego out of it, I do it because part of me feels like I couldn't help my own daughter but maybe if I give my time and energy to someone who needs it, I can help save someone else's baby. The parents of these sick children actually asked me how do I do it, I couldn't understand why they would ask me this when, they are the ones who are in the hospital everyday with their child watching them suffer. I didn't have to watch my daughter suffer, she left with no warning,but I didn't watch her ill everyday of her life, and I then would ask them how do you do it??Hailey is gone and I miss her so much, part of me feels like by the luau being in her memory and the playground being put down at Corey beach that it's keeping her going, but it's also keeping me going. For example I feel like I am climbing a ladder and the more I get done in her memory or to just help people in general, I feel like I am going to get her back!!I know it sounds silly but while I am doing these things I am thinking of her, I am thinking that if I succeed in everything I want to do good she will be given back to me. I want her back there is nothing more in the world I want then to have her back to hold,to kiss,to hug, to feed,to bathe, to watch sleep,to drive me nuts,and most of all just love and feel that love again.But I won't I won't ever feel that again, the only thing I can do is try and show her how much she is missed and loved!! My birthday there was a terrible void, I wanted nothing but to get a birthday card from her and to have her sit on my lap to blow my birthday candles out for me!!

Waves Of Emotions

2006-09-01T11:59:00.000-04:00

The other day I went to Stonybrook Hospital to meet the two children that the childrens foundation is helping this year. I cannot understand for the life of me why God takes children from this world, but more so why does he make them suffer?? That's not a lesson any child deserves!!! When does it end, when does the world catch a break?? You think your life is bad until you get there,these children were so sick yet have such high spirits and were able to smile not knowing what was going to happen to them tomorrow. I feel so sad!! God took my little girl and as I said before I understand he took her and she is not coming back, but why does he leave others here to suffer?? You talk to these parents who are watching their children suffer day in and day out and they say to you that they still have their child and I stand there and say yeah but I didn't have to watch my daughter live in a hospital and suffer. She left with no warning, where does their strength come from??

I have been feeling pretty sad lately. It comes in waves for some reason. There was a point where at night I could go with out crying, lately everynight the tears turn on and I just cry myself to sleep. I miss her like you cannot even begin to understand. I look at the little girl who is the same age as Hailey and wonder while Alex is playing with her older brother if her and Hailey would be playing together.The other night I was standing outside talking with the parents and Rita her mom was holding her, and Stephanie the little girl turned around and said "the moon mommy, the moon" she sounded exactly like Hailey. It hurt yet at the same time I got to hear Hailey for a brief moment. And that was awesome!! There are days where I don't want to function but I push myself and I am just an absolute mood swing waiting to happen. What are you supposed to do, when does this knot in your stomach untie itself,when do you have a normal day,when do you not feel the urge to cry when you think of all the wonderful moments you had with her, I smile and laugh don't get me wrong but all those wonderful moment s that got stomped on from continuing lead you right back to tears!! She was our world,she made everyday bright,she had me wrapped around her little finger, we adored one another. There was this bond that is so completely unbelievable!! I know its a different bond than any other!!! I know I was meant to have that bond with her to give me no regrets today!!

Leave you with something I heard today:

In order for God to take you to another place, he must first move you from where you are. The move often feels like a disaster but it's only the creaking and groaning of the reluctant door.(author unknown)

2006-08-21T00:09:00.000-04:00

I was with a little girl this weekend who is absolutely priceless!!I never asked why did this happen to me, I always said how blessed I was to have her for the 21 months that I did and how blessed I was to be able to carry her for 9 months. However I look at this little girl that I was with this weekend and I so badly wanted to help her. She is absolutely beautiful!! I sat there holding her this weekend and watched her facial expressions and the innocence in her. I found myself asking and begging Hailey and God to make her better. I won't ask for my daughter back because I know and understand that that is impossible, but damn Can I please ask for them to fix this little baby girl that is still in this world with us!! She deserves it!! My little girl was taken away with no warning, I think I atleast should get one wish-right?? I make that one wish for this little girl to be cured and her hearing given back to her full force with no surgeries to udergo and no trauma, just give her back what is rightfully hers!! I will not mention any names because it is not up to me to do so, however I love her parents and her brother very much so if everyone that reads this blog spot for just a moment could stop and ask Hailey and God to help this little girl, it may make a difference!!
The world is an amazing place, and did anyone ever stop and think about how disgusting it can be!! I spoke to a few attorneys in regards to Hailey and do you know no one wants to take the case and finally the last attorney that we spoke to explained why: In the state of New York there is no value on a childs life, therefore because it is so costly to prove medical malpractice on a viral case, the attorneys say it would cost too much money to make the case and you would never get back what you laid out!! Disgusting, no value on a childs life in the state of New York!! So are we telling doctors it's ok to screw up and kill these children?? No wonder why these pediatricians offices are they way they are, your child is just another number!!

Something Interesting I Heard..................

2006-08-18T15:00:00.000-04:00

If God brought you to it, God will get you through it.

Tomorrow

2006-08-10T21:16:00.000-04:00

IF TEARS COULD BUILD A STAIRWAY
AND MEMORIES WERE A LANE
WE WOULD WALK RIGHT UP TO HEAVEN
AND BRING YOU BACK AGAIN

NO FAREWELL WORDS WERE SPOKEN
NO TIME TO SAY GOODBYE
YOU WERE GONE BEFORE WE KNEW IT
AND ONLY GOD KNOWS WHY

OUR HEARTS STILL ACHE IN SADNESS
AND SECRET TEARS STILL FLOW
WHAT IT MEANT TO LOSE YOU
NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW

BUT KNOW WE KNOW YOU WANT US
TO MOURN FOR YOU NO MORE
TO REMEMBER ALL THE HAPPY TIMES
LIFE STILL HAS MUCH IN STORE

SINCE YOU'LL NEVER BE FORGOTTEN
WE PLEDGE TO YOU TODAY
A HALLOWED PLACE WITHIN OUR HEARTS
IS WHERE YOU'LL ALWAYS STAY

Tomorrow I took the day off from work to spend the day with Alex. I know I will feel the whole day through as though something is missing!! She's missing, she is missing from our world. I want to take her to do so many things she never got to experience,touch,or hear. We are under a high terror alert right now and whats strange is I don't have an ounce of fear running through my body over it. When 9/11 happened I feared everyday that something more was going to happen, What happened today and what they found, I don't fear. I don't know why but it's another thing she changed in my life. I don't think that I don't have the ear b/c I don't want to be in this world anymore, I know the value of life and I would never take that for granted, however she made this strong willed person come out of me, where I know there is so much wrong and no matter how bad it gets I can handle it. I don't stress the little stuff anymore, there's far too many things that are worse. I don't know maybe I am just rambling but for whatever unknown reason I don't fear anymore.

WHEN TOMORROW STARTS WITHOUT ME

2006-08-08T14:44:00.000-04:00

WHEN TOMORROW STARTS WITHOUT ME,
AND I'M NOT THERE TO SEE
IF THE SUN SHOULD RISE AND FIND YOUR EYES
ALL FILLED WITH TEARS FOR ME
I WISH SO MUCH YOU WOULDN'T CRY,
THE WAY YOU DID TODAY
WHILE THINKING OF THE MANY THINGS
WE DIDN'T GET TO SAY.

I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU LOVE ME,
AS MUCH AS I LOVE YOU
AND EACH TIME THAT YOU THINK OF ME
I KNOW YOU'LL MISS ME TOO
BUT WHEN TOMORROW STARTS WITHOUT ME
PLEASE TRY TO UNDERSTAND
THAT AN ANGEL CAME AND CALLED MY NAME
AND TOOK ME BY THE HAND
AND SAID MY PLACE WAS READY
IN HEAVEN FAR ABOVE
AND THAT I'D HAVE TO LEAVE BEHIND
ALL THOSE I DEARLY LOVE.

BUT AS I TURNED TO WALK AWAY
A TEAR FELL FROM MY EYE
FOR ALL LIFE,I'D ALWAYS THOUGHT
I DIDN'T WANT TO DIE
I HAD SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR
SO MUCH YET TO DO
IT SEEMED ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE
THAT I WAS LEAVING YOU

I THOUGHT OF ALL YESTERDAYS
THE GOOD ONES AND THE BAD
I THOUGHT OF ALL THE LOVE WE SHARED
AND ALL THE FUN WE HAD

IF I COULD RELIVE YESTERDAY
JUST EVEN FOR AWHILE
I'D SAY GOODBYE AND KISS YOU
AND MAYBE SEE YOU SMILE

BUT THEN I FULLY REALIZED
THAT THIS COULD NEVER BE
FOR EMPTINESS AND MEMORIES
WOULD TAKE THE PLACE OF ME.

AND WHEN I THOUGHT OF WORDLY THINGS
I MIGHT MISS COME TOMORROW
I THOUGHT OF YOU,AND WHEN I DID
MY HEART WAS FILLED WITH SORROW.

BUT WHEN I WALKED THROUGH HEAVENS GATES
I FELT SO MUCH AT HOME
WHEN GOD LOOKED DOWN AND SMILED AT ME
FROM HIS GREAT GOLDEN THRONE
HE SAID"THIS IS ETERNITY,AND ALL I'VE PROMISED YOU"
TODAY FOR LIFE ON EARTH IS PAST
BUT HERE IT STARTS ANEW
I PROMISE NO TOMORROW
BUT TODAY WILL ALWAYS LAST
AND SINCE EACH DAYS THE SAME DAY THERE'S NO LONGING FOR THE PAST.

BUT YOU HAVE BEEN SO FAITHFUL
SO TRUSTING AND SO TRUE.
THOUGH THERE WERE TIMES YOU DID SOMETHINGS
YOU KNEW YOU SHOULDN'T DO.
BUT YOU HAVE BEEN FORGIVEN
AND NOW AT LAST YOUR FREE
SO WON'T YOU TAKE MY HAND
AND SHARE MY LIFE WITH ME?

SO WHEN TOMORROW STARTS WITH OUT ME
DON'T THINK WE'RE FAR APART
FOR EVERYTIME YOU THINK OF ME
I' RIGHT HERE, IN YOUR HEART.

Rough Night's

2006-08-04T09:03:00.000-04:00

Last night was a terrible one for me. Frank was in the shower I finished cleaning up the house. I went upstairs and had to close all of the blinds and found myself in her room or what would have been her room!! I began smelling her sheet on her mattress and even after the move it still smells like her. That is all I have aside from the ripped clothes from the hospital that night. However getting back to the mattress sheet, when I smelled it I was not prepared for the repercussions. I sat in that room for I cannot tell you how long balling my eyes out, Frank finally found me and came in there with me. It just will never get better. I figured that out last night, she was only apart of us for such a short period of time, however left behind so many wonderful memories. You cannot imagine the pain that is felt day in and day out not having her here, she brightened my day daily. I could not want to get out of bed in the morning, but then I would hear "Mommy, Moommy,Mooommmyyy........ from the crib and I would smile and say "comin Bug!!" What I would do to have one more morning with that!!You don't forget the memories and you don't forget the person, however for some reason I cannot hear her voice and it is driving me crazy. I want to hear her, occasionally I will hear her in my head when I am thinkin about it how she used to say "up, up, mommy", from the play pen. Or when she was in the back seat of the car mimicking the train on our way home from Sesame Place. She had Frank, Alex and I hysterical!! She was always good at making you laugh. She was attached to my hip, when I got sick and couldn't be around her for a couple of days, I was locked in my bedroom and she would come by the door and wait to see if I was going to open it and if she heard movement or me talk to call Frank in she would freak and start screaming my name. She was and still is my best friend and it just sucks that someone could take that away from us!!

I'm sure you have read the poems that are on the site I wish I could take credit for some of them however I found them online. I received a junk Yahoo email the oneday and attached to it was these poems and all I could say was "Wow!!" What made these poem get emailed to me in my junk email box??
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To All Parents:

"I'll lend you for a little time a child of mine ",He said
"for you to love the while she lives and mourn for when she's dead.
It may be six or seven years,or twenty two or three,
But will you, till I call her back take care of her for me?
She'll bring her charms to gladden you,
and shall her stay be brief,
You'll have her lovely memories as solace for your grief.

I cannot promise she will stay, since all from earth return
But there are lessons taught down there I want this child to learn.
I've looked the wide world over
In my Search for teachers true.
And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes
I have selected you
Now will you give her all your love
Nor think the labor vain
Nor hate me when I come to call to take her back again?

I fancied that I heard them say" Dear Lord, Thy will be done!"
For all the joy thy child shall bring.
The risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter her with tenderness,we'll love her while we may
And for the hapiness we've known
forever grateful stay
But shall the angels call for her much sooner than we've planned

We'll brave the bitter grief that comes
And try to understand.

WOW!!!

2006-08-03T09:15:00.000-04:00

Just like a beautiful long stemmed rose,
her precious memory grows and grows,
touching the hearts of all those she loved.
And like the fragrance of that same rose,
her love, so sweet, still flows and flows
Filling our lives with a warmth that show she's still there
So like a forever-blooming rose
the beauty that she shared
eternally grows,
For deep in our hearts,
each of us knows she lives!

_____________________________________________________

Mother,Please don't mourn for me

I'm still here though you don't see

I'm right by your side each night and day

And within your heart I long to stay

My body is gone but I'm always near

I'm everything you feel,see and hear

My spirit is free,but I'll never depart

As long as you keep me alive in your heart

Ill never wander out of your sight

I'm the brightest star on a summer night

I'll never be beyond your reach

I'm the warm,moist sand when your at the beach

I'm the colorful leaves when fall comes around

And the pure white snow that blankets the grouns

I'm the beautiful flowers on which you are so fond

The clear,cool water in a quiet pond

I'm the first bright blossom, you'll see in the spring

The first warm raindrop that April will bring

I'm the first ray of light when the sun starts to shine

And you'll see that the face of the moon is mine

When you start thinking there is no one to love you

You can talk to the lord above you

I'll whisper my answer through the leaves on the trees

And you'll feel my presence through the soft summer breeze

I'm the hot,salty tears that fall when you weep

And the beautiful dreams that come while you sleep

I'm the smile you see on a baby's face

Just look for me Mommey, I'm everyplace!!

I WANT MY DAUGHTER BACK!

2006-07-28T15:07:00.000-04:00

I could sit here and tell you over and over again how bad I want her back!! It's not fair!! I keep hoping oneday she will come back home like she was only kidnapped or something. You don't understand this empty feeling. It's this emptiness that no matter how hard you try to fill it,nothing works. Nothing works. Whats next? Where do you go from here? How do you start anew when the old was stolen from you without even the chance to say good-bye!! Or give one last hug and kiss, tell her how much you love her,give her the chance to stay and you take the pain for her. Where is this all fair? What did I do to deserve her being taken away from me? I think back to that day and I cannot believe this happened, she was fine all day(aside from her normal congestion) but she was fine, she was getting into my cabinets,playing with the tupperware and babyfood jars. She was running around with Alex-I don't get it! I don't understand why we were not even given the chance to say goodbye?We hurt and we hurt everyday and I want this pain to go away. I want to walk there and get her,I want to bring her home to her family where she belongs. I want her to be here to make a difference in this silly world.I guarantee she would have, I guarantee she would have made the world a better place. Look what she has done for me, she made me who I am today. I have changed, I have a changed in away where I will always promise to try and see the good before lashing out and seeing the bad. I wish I knew where she was and what she was doing right now? I know I shouldn't be asking where she is we all can assume she is in heaven, however when something like this happens you tend to wonder if there was really someone up there watching they would know we were not bad parents, we were kind people -why would he take such a loved child away from us? Why damn-it???? I want answers I wanna know I am not accepting what the medical examiner said I know this was something she was born with I know there is so much more to this and no one is finding it!!I promise one thing I will know what happened to her and I will let the person know who screwed up and I will let the world know how this doctors screw up caused the life of my little girl!! Angry, ohhhhh you have no idea!!!

Split Second!!

2006-07-18T09:14:00.000-04:00

Today is one of those fragile days!! I woke up this morning and missed her like you cannot believe. I look around and no matter how many answers you get to all of this, it will never make sense. Why do innocent children get ill, why do innocent children die? They have not yet been able to experience anything in life why take that from them? There is so much bad in the world why take from the good? So many questions that will never be answered, whelp as I said before he better be prepared for me when I get there, because he is going to have alot of explaining to do. I understand he himself went through this and he can feel our pain, but why make another family feel that pain. Is that supposed to make us feel special? Wrong, it doesn't. She changed the people we are today, well she changed the person I am today, I'm sure she changed most others. I keep trying to do good things and go out of my way to help people in hoping that she will come back. I almost think at times that maybe she was taken away from us because I am being punished for something. I can sit here and think what could I have done so wrong in life to have her taken away from me. Everyday I try, I try to be a better person that what I was before.I try to have more patience with Alex, I try to help people when I see they need help.I just hope that if I continue dooing that I will get her back. Then I realize thats not possible!!Your mind works in mysterious ways!! It is almost scarry what your mind can do to you.The only thing I can say is do not take a single day for granted with anyone around you in life,because in a split second it can all be taken away from you, and to make matters worse it can be taken away from with no explanation,no warnings,and never given back!!

The Final Word

2006-07-07T16:20:00.000-04:00

Whelp we finally got their answers as to why we lost our little bug. The medical examiner called me yesterday 7/6/06 to give us the answers. If you would like to know please call me, I would rather not post it. I don't know our new phone number yet, we have one but I haven't memorized it yet. One of those things Hailey took with her, my memory!! We thought the answers would make us feel better,but were we ever so wrong!! It was finalizing everything and when she told me I thought to myself I didn't want to know but I did at the same time. It was like someone told me she died all over again. I don't know how we do it. I don't understand how your body works at all. It just puts this wall up that there are days you cannot feel the pain,but other days boy let me tell ya, it hurts and it hurts bad! Like I said in one of the comments I posted I just wish we could pick up the phone and dial 1-800-heaven and talk to her! Time doesn't heal so far time has only hurt a little more and more everytime you have one of those fragile days, I like to call them! This was not supposed to happen, I can tell you that much!! She had alot of things going on that no one had any clue to aside from Frank and I,but no one wanted to hear it, no one cared like we did. I thought thats what made a doctor a doctor the fact that they didn't feel for the child so they were able to take the problem head on and figure it out, but inall actuality I think it is all one big guessing game and with out performing necessary tests they don't know half as much as the mommy and daddy know. I just don't get how one person playing a guessing game in life can make so much money. I know in my line of work if I guessed for a second there goes that insureds entire lively hood!! I think parents should automatically have the capability of getting testing done as much as a doctor, they always said mom and dad know best, so if wee know best why can't we say as a parent I want this test done and it gets done?? But I guess everything happens for a reason and going back to the religion side of it all maybe she served her purpose and she was able to move on to bigger and better things. I just hope she every once in awhile takes a glimpse down here to see how loved she is and will always be!!
Before I go I want to say that even though we have answers that does not mean this blog will end. It will continue for as long as I am around!! However if anybody has pictures feel free to e-mail them to me so I can continue putting pictures on!! Especially if its pictures of you and her together!!

The Move

2006-06-30T23:25:00.000-04:00

Whelp we are in the new house,exciting, however I feel like something is missing-Gee I wonder what that could be?? I knew I was going to have a tough time leaving the old house and starting a fresh here, however I feel like we left her behind!! Today was a rough day!! I woke up this morning thinking I had so many things to do, and all of a sudden everything cancelled. It then left me home alone. Alex was at his dad's and Frank was at work. I was sitting on the couch and all of a sudden got really upset. So I said to myself obviously this is Hailey's way of saying Mommy come and visit me. So I got in my car and went to visit her. When I got down there the pin wheels started going nuts, Frank and I use that as like when they spin she knows we are down there,yeah I know sounds crazy but whatever makes you feel better-right?? So I got so upset down there today, I don't know why but lately it's been bad. It seems like the holidays are going to be tough. Even though it's only the fourth of July, it still hurts that she's not here to experience it!! I just think what would she be doing right now in the new house. I can see her now prancing her ruby red slippers all over the wood floors to hear the noise they would make!! Or she would stand on the marble piece in front of the fireplace and try and jump off!! God-I wonder how she would do on the stairs!! She would have a field day only there's one problem-she's not here to have it!! Can you believe the medical examiner still has not given us answers?? Hailey bug Mommy,Daddy and Alex miss you so much and I hope you don't think we left you behind in the other house you are always with us no matter where we go!! FOREVER!!

Tears From Heaven

2006-06-05T16:56:00.000-04:00

It's so weird because I can just be sitting there whether it be watching T.V. or actually sleeping, I don't even have to be thinking about anything and all of a sudden the tears just turn on. The other night Frank and I were watching T.V. and were really into the show we were watching, all of a sudden I just started crying and I immediately knew what I was crying about, but I originally wasn't thinking about it. The other morning I was sound asleep, when I woke up at 6:00 AM I was hysterically crying. It's almost like Hailey is up there saying "ok mommy, It's time to start crying". Once it starts I cannot stop it for hours! I look at her picture on my computer screen and I find myself take the arrow from my mouse to rub her face, I want to touch her so bad!! I miss her so much, I miss hearing her little feet run through the house, Her scream Daddy when he would come home. The best was when he would be getting ready for work in the morning and she would hear him and she would stand up in her crib and call his name until he came in to say Good morning to her. She was absolutely obsessed with Alex. She idolized the ground that kid walked on. Come to think of it she was just so loving to us all, she was so different from any other kid I know. I am s sorry and many may take offense but she was unique and special she was like no other. I just wish there was away to get her back. I said to Frank," you make everything else happen for me, he makes the impossible for me and why can't he do this??" He doesn't get angry because he knows how much he has done for me,Alex and Hailey and it just frustrates him that he can't fix this for us and himself! Haley baby we love you and miss you like you don't believe!! You are our baby girl and forever will be!!

MEMORIAL DAY BLUES

2006-05-29T21:37:00.000-04:00

JUST WANTED TO COME ON AND TELL HER HOW MUCH I MISS HER. TODAY WE HAD A MEMORIAL DAY BARBECUE TO GO TO, I WOKE UP THIS MORNING AND BEGAN TO PLAN WHAT I WAS GOING TO DRESS HER IN TODAY. I LOOKED FORWARD TO DRESSING MY LITTLE GIRL UP EVERYDAY. TODAY REALLY BOTHERED ME. ALL DAY A FELT LIKE SOMETHING WAS MISSING. THE WARM WEATHER AND BEING DIFFERENT PLACES BOTHERS ME, I WANT HER WITH US. WE ARE NOT WHOLE WITHOUT HER. AFTER WE LEFT THE PARTY WE WENT TO THE CEMETERY AND HUNG WITH HER FOR A BIT. I LOVE HER SO MUCH AND THIS KILLS ME EVERYDAY NOT TO HAVE HER HERE WITH US. I HOPE SHE KNOWS HOW LOVED AND MISSED SHE TRULY IS. SHE WAS MINE AND FRANKIE LITTLE ANGEL AND FOREVER SHE WILL REMAIN THAT!! WE LOVE YOU BABY GIRL!!!

Hailey's tossed down pennies

2006-05-24T14:05:00.000-04:00

How is everyone doing with their pennies??? From now on when everyone leaves a comment be sure to use either Hailey's name alot or Angel in Disguise alot. The reason for this request is so that she becomes the stronger site in all of the search engines such as:Yahoo,MSN,Google,etc.. I thank everyone for leaving the comments and keeping her memories going.

THE LUMP IN YOUR THROAT

2006-05-22T21:45:00.000-04:00

YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING OKAY AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN IT HITS YOU LIKE A TON OF BRICKS AND IT LASTS FOR DAYS,WEEKS ETC.. FRANK AND I WERE PACKING FOR THE NEW HOUSE ON SUNDAY AND IT SEEMED LIKE NO MATTER WHERE WE TURNED SHE WAS THERE SAYING HI! I'M COMING WITH YOU!! EVERY DRAW THAT HE OPENED IN OUR BEDROOM HAD SOMETHING OF HERS IN IT. THE UNREAL PART IS SHE PUT THIS STUFF THERE BEFORE SHE LEFT. I WENT CRAZY FOR THE LONGEST TIME TRYING TO FIND HER PURPLE TWEEZERS, WHELP SURE ENOUGH FRANK FOUND THEM AT THE BOTTOM OF HIS DRESSER DRAWER. WE FOUND HER SOCK, HER WASH RAG ETC.. EVERY WHERE WE TURNED THERE SHE WAS. WE MISS HER SO MUCH. I CRY AT THE THOUGHT OF WONDERING WHAT WOULD SHE BE DOING RIGHT NOW???? SHE TOOK APART OF US WHEN SHE LEFT SHE TOOK A MIGHTY LARGE CHUNK OF US!! SHE AGED ME TIMES TEN BETWEEN THAT NIGHT ALONE AND THEN DEALING WITH THIS DAY TO DAY. NO ONE REALIZES WHAT THIS IS LIKE. DO YOU THINK WE GET UP IN THE MORNING AND FORGET FOR A MOMENT THAT SHE IS MISSING FROM OUR LIVES? DO YOU THINK WE GO TO WORK IN THE MORNING AND NOT REALIZE THERE IS ONE LESS PERSON WE ARE WORKING FOR IN THIS WORLD? NO MATTER WHERE WE GO OR WHAT WE DO IT IS AND CAN BE RELATED TO HER SOME HOW. FOR 21 MONTHS OUR LIVES REVOLVED AROUND HER AND TO ONEDAY WAKE UP AND HAVE THAT TAKEN AWAY FROM YOU IS DEVASTATING. I CANNOT PUT INTO WORDS THE PAIN, THE LUMP IN YOUR THROAT, THE STOMACH FLIPPING. IT HURTS EVERDAY EVERY SECOND. I WILL TALK ABOUT HER UNTIL THE DAY I GO. SHE WAS APART OF US AND WILL REMAIN APART OF US ALWAYS AND FOREVER. I REMEMBER SO MANY THINGS BUT THAT NIGHT IS SUCH A BLUR. THAT WHOLE DAY IS A BLUR AND I JUST WISH I COULD REMEMBER THE LAST THING SHE SAID TO ME. I REMEMBER TAKING HER FROM THE LIVING ROOM INTO THE KITCHEN TO PUT HER INTO THE HIGH CHAIR AND SAYING TO HER " C'MON BUG WANNA DO NUMMY NUMS?" AND SHE REPLIED WITH "FRUIT MOMMY,FRUIT", BUT I KNOW SHE HAD TO F SAID MORE TO ME WHILE SHE WAS EATING BUT I CANNOT REMEMBER AND IT HURTS THAT THOSE LAST VITAL MEMORIES OF HER SPEAKING TO ME I CANNOT REMEMBER. IT ALL JUMPS STRAIGHT TO THAT MOMENT OF LOOKING AT HER AND HER REACHING OUT FOR ME TO HELP AND I COULDN'T DAMN IT, I COULDN'T HELP MY DAUGHTER. WHELP I GUESS YOU CAN TELL TODAY WAS ONE OF THOSE ROUGH ONES SO I AM GOING TO GO AND LEAVE OFF BY SAYING COLLECT THOSE PENNIES, THERE IS SOMEONE OUT THERE THAT NEEDS THEM!! WE LOVE YOU BUG!!!!

Found pennies

2006-05-02T14:17:00.000-04:00

Here is a poem to go with our Angel, Start saving your found pennies. Put them in a jar with Hailey’s poem. Once you have reached “your goal” Please send the money to any foundation and/or charity of your choice in Hailey Olivia Hurst’s name. Please be sure to make an extra copy of this poem to mail with you donation.

I found a penny today
Just laying on the ground
But it’s not just a penny
This little coin I’ve found

Found pennies come from heaven
That’s what my Grandpa told me
He said Angel’s toss them down
Oh, How I loved that story

He said when an Angel misses you
They toss a penny down
Sometimes just to cheer you up
To make a smile out of your frown

So, don’t pass by that penny
When you’re feeling blue
It may be a penny from Heaven
That an Angel's tossed to you.

If you do not know of a childrens foundation:

The Children's Foundation Of Suffolk Inc.
1718 Church Street
Holbrook, N.Y., 11741

RAINY DAY

2006-04-23T22:09:00.000-04:00

JUST WANNA SAY HOW SORRY WE ARE TODAY BUG, IT WAS REALLY RAINY OUT AND WE DIDN'T MAKE IT THERE TO SEE YOU. I WILL GET THERE TOMORROW AS LONG AS THE WEATHER IS OK. WE THOUGHT ABOUT YOU ALOT THIS WEEKEND AND I DECIDED A FEW THINGS THAT WE ARE GOING TO DO, NOT THAT IT WILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN GETTING YOU BACK BUT MAYBE IT WILL OPEN OTHERS EYES TO CERTAIN THINGS. ALEX'S COMMUNION IS THIS WEEKEND, WE ARE HAVING IT AT SPORTS PLUS, I WISH YOU COULD BE THERE WITH US BUG. I KNOW YOU WOULD HAVE A BLAST. I COULD JUST PICTURE YOU RUNNING AROUND LIKE A LUNATIC SCREAMING YOUR HEAD OFF. WE MISS YOU SO MUCH, I KNOW I SAY THAT ON EVERY ENTRY BUT IT IS JUST THE TRUTH. YOU BRIGHTENED OUR WORLD IN WAYS YOU DON'T KNOW. THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS I WONDER. FOR EXAMPLE WHEN I AM ALONE AND CRYING ARE YOU THERE WATCHING?? DO YOU SEE WHAT GOES ON HERE DAY TO DAY, DO YOU REMEMBER BEING HERE WITH US? OR ARE YOU IN A WHOLE NEW WORD WHERE YOU DON'T EVEN REMEMBER THIS AND US?? I WONDER...........

THIS PICTURE IS SO AWESOME OF YOU!! YOU LOOK SO PEACEFUL AND SO INTERESTED IN WHAT YOU WERE DOING. GOD, YOU HAVE KNOW IDEA WHAT I WOULD DO FOR FIVE MORE MINUTES WITH YOU!! I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING!! JUST TO SQUEEZE YOU AND KISS YOU, TELL YOU HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU!! THE ONE THING I KNOW IS THAT NIGHT RIGHT BEFORE I PUT YOU INTO THAT HIGH CHAIR I HUGGED AND KISSED YOU AND TOLD YOU THAT I LOVE YOU AS I WALKED YOU TO THE HIGH CHAIR AND I AM SO HAPPY FOR THAT, BUT STILL IT IS JUST NOT ENOUGH. I WANT MORE I WANT THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. I WANT TO SEE YOU GROW UP AND GET YOU READY FOR YOUR FIRST DAY OF KINDEGARTEN, YOUR PROM ETC... WE WERE CUT SHORT AND I JUST HOPE YOU KNOW HOW MISSED AND LOVED YOUARE!! YOU COMPLETED OUR CHAIN, WE NOW HAVE A MISSING LINK AND WILL NEVER BE WHOLE UNTIL WE ARE ALL TOGETHER AGAIN.